Justin: The Beginning

You Ain't Got No Pancake Mix!

2007-06-18T20:16:00.001-05:00

Attention people with the following names:
-Meghan/Megan
-Sarah/Sara
-Zach/Zack/Zak
-Ashley/Ashlee/Ashleigh
-John/Jon
-Allen/Allan/Alan
-Aaron/Erin
-Kathy/Cathy/Cathie/Kathie
-Shawn/Shaun/Sean
-Steven/Stephen
-Duane/Dwayne/Dwyane/Dewayne

And every other name with multiple spellings...CUT IT OUT.

You all need to get together and settle on official spellings for these names. It's not "creative" to name your kid "Wylliam" -- it's pathetic. If you want your kid to have an original name, then make up a name or give him a name that you've never heard before. Like "Seven" or one of those made-up names.

Also: we need to eliminate unisex names. We're at a point, with 6 billion people, where everyone needs a gender-specific name. I prefer one of those ethnic names that completely confuse, regarding what sex the person is, rather than "Aaron/Erin". Screw that noise.

I haven't much else to say right now except this is the inaugural post on my own website! Toodle dooooo!

I start summer classes Monday (June 25). Snooze.

I think, in honor of the website switch (and, more importantly, the fact that I am running pretty low on decent lines), I will abstain from titling EVERY post with a Darth Vader quote. So...yep.

It's Cool When You Freak to the Beat,
Justone

What?!

2007-06-06T00:05:00.001-05:00

Remember when Darth Vader yells WHAT?! after the guy next to him blows up? That was funny.

Also: I'm BACK!

Seven days in Los Angeles and then two days back home before three days in Boston. Exciting, no? Yes. I picked up some freak global nerd flu in Los Angeles and traveling a lot didn't help me get rid of it (it finally withered up and died this past Tuesday or so).

I got a Wii. It is incredible. No property damage to report yet, however, sadly.

I changed my AIM screen name from KlNGSLEY ZISSOU to F0REVER v ENDEAV0R. Kaboom.

All right, so, I spent hours and hours turning my notes and whatnot from my coast-to-coast ten day adventure into a running diary like I did for my China trip.

Well here's the cold, hard, facts: it wasn't funny -- not even to me and I always think I'm hilarious. I don't know if I was just off my game or if the trip really did inspire less than favorable observations and discussions with myself but...yeah, it got to the point where I just didn't feel like it was worth putting up.

Anywho, I will post more of the typical thoughts and rambling I normally do, soon. I just wanted to drop in and leave some thoughts.

If you are so inclined: my Celebration pictures and pictures from my day trip to Dunder-Mifflin.

I had a dream Bill Simmons wrote a column about something I'd written. Speaking of which, Bill's podcast = perfection. The installments featuring Marv Albert and Adam Carolla were unstoppable. Actually, all of them have been exceptional. I want more.

Recent movie grades:

Knocked Up (A+)

It's perfect. More dramatic and "real" than The 40-Year-Old Virgin -- which is not a slam to Virgin at all, because it is absolutely one of my favorite movies and an exceptional comedy but just more of a testament to Judd's abilities and versatile writing. A fair analogy would be Knocked Up : Freaks and Geeks :: Virgin : Undeclared. Both are obviously not carbon copies of each other, but in terms of tone and whatnot, I think that's an accurate comparison.

Anyway, Knocked Up has terrific comedic and dramatic writing, as well as pacing and I really loved all the performances. Ben's circle of friends were absolutely legendary; I liked them even more when I noticed they had not changed any of the character's names from the actors on which the parts were based/written for.

Even the bit/one-scene parts (Bill Hader, Paul Feig, Judd's kids, etc.) were off the charts. I truly feel I am a better and smarter person for having seen this movie. Please tell me three other 2007 films which evoke that feeling.

Ocean's Thirteen (B+)

A return to form. I watched Ocean's Twelve before going to see this (not necessarily because the stories are linked or anything but mainly because I had not seen Twelve since I saw it in theaters and wanted to at least give it another chance). Anyway, Twelve started out so terrifically but I think injecting a character as prominent and as un-Ocean as Catherine Zeta-Jones completely out of nowhere was a mistake; the scene where she is introduced is like the scene given to Danny or Rusty except we KNOW Danny and Rusty; they threw Catherine at us like she was an old friend...when she was not. I also never dug the fact that half of Ocean's twelve men were gone for most of the third act. Come on!

Anywho, Thirteen is pretty much Eleven - Redux. It's bigger, more elaborate and with a slightly different motivation than just personal financial or romantic gain, which I thought was cool for a movie that doesn't really seem to register a lot of emotion in its characters or plot points (that's not a bad thing at all, I'm just saying: the crew is really just a dozen professionals who accept gigs to get paid -- they don't normally rob places to get back at people or anything...but they DO in this movie, which was cool).

It is a little sillier in a few of its elements but never did any of the laughs seem out of place or heavy-handed. I just found myself wanting, more and more as the movie went along, to be Danny or Rusty. Hell, I'd even "settle" being Virgil or Turk. I liked Al Pacino in the villainous role and Ellen Barkin was serviceable in her role (I fluctuated back and forth between thinking she was hot and thinking she looked strange).

Anyway, I thought it was a fitting end to this storyline...the first film is still the best but Thirteen is better than Twelve.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (D)

I didn't think the second one was worth much, to be honest. A lot of the action and stuff was just shoehorned into it because, for some reason, the entire world thinks Jack Sparrow is the coolest and funniest person ever (I personally find him to be a douchebag more times than not).

This movie just seemed like Spider-man 3 to me, in that it was probably written in the fashion "ok, make sure these characters are in it and that the story ends up HERE". They didn't bother trying to reason or explain things and when they did, the explanations had no real bearing or relevance. I'd rank it behind Dead Man's Chest because this one was entirely just a dog and pony show whereas Chest was at least a dog and pony show with a sliver of story related to the first film.

Shrek The Third (F)

Someone needs to stab this franchise in the heart. The second one was an exercise in "let's put Shrek in an unfriendly situation!" and produced some genuine laughs but this installment was just a turd. They are clearly out of jokes and have devolved almost into a parody, entirely, rather than a real story with jabs at other movies and culture peppered throughout.

In a related story, I am built like Shrek.

Yep. I have not seen Hostel 2 and don't plan to, at any point in my life. I would rather watch Hostel...by that, I mean I would rather subject myself to a terrible experience.

"I would rather watch Hostel" should enter the vernacular as "I would rather shoot myself" or something because that's where it needs to rank.

I demand to know why it is so fucking hard for people to write decent movie stories that span three films. Is it really that hard?

SHE'S GOTTA GREAT ASS,
JB

As You Wish.

2007-05-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

Another repeat Vader line. Done.

Have you ever stopped to recognize the depth of the cast of Enemy of the State?

Gene Hackman
Will Smith
Jack Black
Jason Lee
Seth Green
Barry Pepper
Scott Caan
Jake Busey
Jamie Kennedy (who is ok in small doses)
Gabriel Byrne
Jon Voight
Tom Sizemore
Lisa Bonet (more of a "That Girl" than an actress widely known by name...but she was on Cosby and especially memorable from High Fidelity)

Granted, they're not all stars but all are solid and bring about a sense of comfort, even if it's a shitty movie. It reminds me a lot of Heat, in its depth.

I was watching Mr. Holland's Opus the other day and realized...this movie has some of the most improbable and unconventionally "the audience is stupid and won't see any problems with this" moments in movie history.

4. Mr. Holland has to teach a black football player how to find/develop a beat and rhythm. A white, 40-year old balding music teacher with glasses.....is teaching a young black football player.....how to find rhythm. Should I say it again?

3. The scene when Mr. Holland comes home from work bummed out because John Lennon just died, then his deaf son asks him "What's the matter?" in sign language, so Mr. Holland tells him, "John Lennon died ... you wouldn't understand." Who would say something like that to their deaf son? You wouldn't understand, you deaf bitch! You can't hear music! Hell, you can't hear anything! That was awful. I don't care if your FATHER dies, to be that much of a bastard to someone -- especially your handicapped son! -- is unforgivable, no matter what mood you're in.

2. Everything that happens with the big play when he has the unspoken sexual tension with the super-cute actress who ended up playing the wife on Yes, Dear. First of all, wouldn't she be dating the star quarterback or star point guard? Really, she goes gaga for her tiny, balding, surly, 50 year-old music teacher? This would happen?

Second, Mr. Holland honestly considered leaving his job, his wife and his son so he could take a bus to New York with Rowena, his new 17-year-old girlfriend? We're supposed to like him after this? I saw this movie several times when I was 10-13 and even in my minute, uneducated brain, I wanted to know why not only was Rowena interested in Mr. Holland, but why Mr. Holland would throw his life away for Rowena?

And third -- this is my favorite -- Mr. Holland starts writing a song that he titles, "Rowena's Theme" (apparently the other choice for a title was "That Girl That I'm Directing in the Play That I Really Want to Bang") and as he's working on it, his wife notices and asks, "who's Rowena?" So he gives some stammering explanation about how Rowena was a Greek Goddess...classic male attempt to save. And right after it's over, he asks his wife, "hey, you comin' to the play? It's this weekend?" Hey, Mr. Holland, you know what they have at plays? Programs with everyone's name from the cast! You didn't think Mrs. Holland was going to notice that the smoking-hot star of the play was named Rowena?! This would've been how I ended his marriage, in the film. What an idiot.

I'm not married and have never had a girlfriend but if I'm lusting after someone else, I would not either: give some explanation that could easily be seen through OR, even if I had made the mistake of giving that foolishly crafted explanation, I would not give the person I'm trying to fool opportunities to find flaws in my explanation! It's like me telling you "no, I don't have a blog..........hey, check out my AIM profile, which has quotes and links and stuff".

1. Mr. Holland gets fired at the end and he's packing up his office, when his son and wife show up to help him move out. And they're walking out of the school when Mr. Holland says, "what's that noise?" and heads over to the auditorium...he opens the door and it's everyone in the school, as well as everyone who ever passed through his life, and they're all there for a "Goodbye Mr. Holland" party. How could they possibly pull that off? He didn't notice the cars or hear anyone? Everyone kept it a secret? We're supposed to believe this? And then, as if this wasn't improbable enough, his old student -- now Governor -- shows up and gives one of the backhanded-complimentary speeches ever, including the classic comment, "he wants to be rich and famous...but he's not rich, and he's definitely not famous" (thanks -- hate you too, bitch), before revealing the band made up of everyone Mr. Holland ever taught. And then the band proceeds to play Mr. Holland's never-finished opus PERFECTLY NOTE-FOR-NOTE, with a sobbing Mr. Holland conducting, and it sounds great even though most of the people hadn't picked up an instrument in 10-20 years.

Here's more: Mr. Holland was fired abruptly! There was like a week of movie-time between his termination and the farewell concert. How, on Earth, could the principal/alumni association/Mrs. Holland get people from conceivably all over the country to come back inside of a week?! It wasn't like he announced his retirement 10 months before the fact so everyone had time to prepare and arrange everything. Funding was cut and he was fired! Done!

Also: how did the people learn the song? Holland never finished the song, much less published copies of it for the world to see! These people with the very last and smallest sliver of their one-time talent managed to, inside of a week, learn a song that they -- nor 99.99999999% of the planet's population -- had ever even heard, much less practiced and played?! I mean even if someone sent you a tape of "Thriller" and said "learn this on the bass by Friday", you wouldn't be absolutely perfect at it, by that time...and you have a lifetime of listening-experience with that song plus the ability to listen to it over and over to get the feeling, rhythm, timing, cadence, etc.

Mr. Holland's Opus was never committed to tape or anything, so, even if you could read sheet music (extremely unlikely unless you turned into a professional musician -- and even then, you don't need that skill), you still would have trouble getting the FEEL of the song and understanding the dynamic and chemistry between all the different sections and instruments...so how on Earth would you learn it? It'd be like trying to assemble an entertainment center without any pictures, labels, demonstrations, or diagrams...just the pieces and the textual instructions. You'd have to perform a miracle to get the job done perfectly.

Further, how did these musician alumni explain this sudden and bizarre trip to their bosses and families? "Hey, I had a music teacher in high school 30 years ago and he's retiring and I know I never mentioned him and I know I haven't ever shown a hint of musical talent or interest since we've been married and I know this is the most suspicious and ridiculous explanation for a spur-of-the-moment trip ever but...I'm going". Also, even if you had a full week -- seven days -- and had no work or family stuff or recreation to worry about, could you possibly pick up a semi-talent you had half of a lifetime ago and reacquire it to a flawless degree AND travel even a reasonably short distance to perform perfectly in sync with other people in the exact same situation as you, in a huge public setting?

So here's my question: What are the odds that this party went off without a hitch, in all its aspects? A million-to-1? Ten million-to-1? Infinity-to-1?

I hate that new high school/college sports Gatorade commercial with the voice-over from Bill Parcells. The reason why I hate it is that he is at the end, standing a tollbooth in a Cowboys windbreaker. Hey, Gatorade..five months ago called and PARCELLS QUIT.

Anyway, I'm mailing the rest of this post in. I'm just listing all my favorite videos from College Humor.

These truly do contain magic. WHAT THE EFF?!
This is absolutely a young, Mexican version of me...the tormenting older child would have to be my cousin, circa 1995.
I watched it over and over for about 10 minutes and it was no less funny the 140th time than it was the first time.
The last little pause by the door totally makes it worth watching. I might do this before I graduate.
Um, and why, exactly, is Bob Barker leaving The Price is Right? Could someone please explain this to me, again? Addendum: if I was one of these prospective hosts poised to take over, part of my slow, diabolical plan as the eventual longtime host would be to turn the audience completely into attractive college kids (ultimately leading to an in-shape, all-female, under-50 audience in their underpants).

I had to watch 30 minutes of Desperate Housewives tonight. I will now light myself on fire.

P.S., I understand that we're supposed to suspend disbelief about this show since four women who have all modeled would not live on the same street in middle America -- although I must say, after watching it in HD...umm...75% of them aren't that stunning.

Eva Longoria is the only one who looks really pretty. Teri Hatcher looks like she fell asleep outside for 4 years. Nicolette Sheridan looks like every over-made-up-over-surgeried-used-to-be-trophy-wife at all ritzy white country clubs. I didn't see Marcia Cross but her face always looked, to me, like someone pulled silly putty over their knee, so, I'm not expecting much to have changed.

Anyway, the guys these women are with...umm...why not go all-out and make them at least SOMEWHAT good looking? You have the guy who looks like a clean-cut Luis Guzman and an old guy who looks like Anderson Cooper's father (i.e., a wrinkly, less-attractive Anderson Cooper). Let's be real in our surreality.

Please Put a Bullet in My Head,
Jables

As You Wish.

2007-04-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

There's no better barometer as to whether or not you are a vagina as examining your Thursday night television habit.

My Name is Earl + The Office + Scrubs + 30 Rock = not a vagina
Ugly Betty + Grey's Anatomy = vagina

Done.

The NFL Draft was Saturdaaaaaaay! Sports nerds united!

The Patriots drafted a crazy safety from Miami who stomped somebody in a fight on the field last year and also was in a brief gunfight once. In addition to summing up his football playing potential as "he will hit like a heat-seeking missile", CBS Sportsline described him like this: "he's also known to pack heat and stomp foes while they're down." Sounds like a guy you'd be interested in having on your side.

In related "crazy player acquisition news", the Patriots traded for Randy Moss. Booyakasha.

Fun words that are one swapped pair of letters away from being different words:

unclear = nuclear
unite = untie

There's more. I can't think of them right now, however.

In related news: this is the absolute most retarded thing I've ever seen. Fuck these people who only chose to care about this horse once he was famous; y'know there's thousands of race horses (see: exploited animals) who die as a result of racing injuries every year...but nobody seems to care about them.

Look away if you're shy; my Spider-man 3 review is below:

Yeah, it was disappointing.

Biggest gripes:

For a Spider-man movie, it started a wee bit slow.
The Sandman plot was completely unnecessary and terribly written -- and I say that overlooking that they completely bastardized the guy from the comics and whatnot (turning him into this Mr. Freeze "I'm only into crime for my daughter's sake" thing). There was absolutely no reason given for his sudden turn at the end. He goes from being a monster teaming up with Venom and pounding Spider-man into submission to suddenly, Harry knocks him down and then, hey, there's Sandman telling Peter he didn't kill his uncle. What changed? And that shit at the end where he blows away like dandelion spores, intent on what, blowing around the earth as the benevolent Sandman? What was that?
The convenient plot device of Harry's amnesia. They needed to switch the villain focus away from Harry and onto Sandman so...hey, let's have Harry forget that he's a villain for two or three scenes and then remember when it's most convenient (like, say, after Sandman is gone).
The convenient plot device of Harry's butler. Terrible. Like how did Harry not slam that guy into the wall and yell "...AND WHY COULD THIS INFORMATION NOT HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION TWO MOVIES AGO?!"
Killing Venom like 12 seconds after he's born. I mean if you want him to die at the end, that's fine, but give a character his due. Norman didn't turn into the Green Goblin at the 100 minute mark and then die 15 minutes later, Otto didn't turn into Doc Ock at the 100 minute mark and then die at the end -- if you're going to put a character like Venom in, you need to give him a full movie (or introduce him at the end of one and resolve it in the next one) to establish motivations and conflict and whatnot. Venom's arc was handled like a 22-minute cartoon episode.
Too convoluted of a story. MJ and Peter go back and forth each being unhappy or happy for some reason like 18 times. You lose track of why one of them is angry at a certain point several times.
Too dense of a story. You'd go 15 minutes and forget Sandman was in this movie. You'd go another 15 minutes and forget Harry was in this movie. There wasn't an effective way to weave these three particular stories together without neglecting a particular one from time to time. It's obvious Harry and his arc needed to be in here; the last movie wrote you into that. But they needed to choose either Flint/Sandman or Eddie/Venom and go with that story for the full movie (and if they really wanted to set up a future film, briefly weave in a sub-sub-plot about Flint or Eddie, whichever one wasn't the main villain) rather than shoehorning a two-villain angle in.
Changing Peter's hair when he's symbiote Spidey. It didn't bother me in appearance but it was clearly done to distinguish -- to little kids -- that this was "not-so-heroic" Spider-man. That's just counterproductive. The kids who were 10 or 12 when the first Spider-man film came out are now 15 or 17 -- when you make a trilogy, you should mature with the audience, like they did between the first and second film. Also, um, the themes and situations in this movie are particularly over a kid's head (marriage proposals, committing crime to help a dying child, revenge, losing a job, kissing someone who is not your girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.) and yet they throw in that ham-handed "hey look, he's a bad guy now!" idea?

My dislikes that have nothing to do with the quality of the movie:

The nerd in me hated that Venom kept un-masking his face to speak, as Eddie, while fighting with Spider-man. I wanted VENOM to talk.
Even when he did speak as Venom, distort the voice a little more. He shrieks like a velociraptor but then he speaks just like Eddie.

My likes:

The scenes where the symbiote starts to change Peter's nature. Wonderful.
Obviously, Bruce Campbell brings the house down.
Bryce Howard is beyond hot. I've said before I'm not a huge Dunst fan but even if I was, Bryce made it a TKO. Gwen > MJ.
Topher's Brock was very awesome.
The action scenes were all pretty cool. I loved the bare-knuckle fight in Harry's house -- very cool departure from typical comic book fights.

To me, it just seemed like someone told the writers: "Look, Spider-man 3. Put Spider-man, MJ, Aunt May, Harry, the alien symbiote, Sandman, Venom/Eddie Brock, and Gwen Stacy in it. I definitely want Harry and Eddie dead at the end...maybe Sandman...resolve his story somehow. Get back to me."

So they cranked out a first draft but didn't bother to proofread it or tweak it or edit it...just took that first draft and went into production.

Overall, I would give it a 6 out of 10. MAYBE a 7 but that would just be because I liked seeing Venom on the screen. I'd put it slightly below the first film and trailing Part 2 by quite a bit.

So, the Trilogy Curse continues. The only Part 3 installments not to be the third-best in a trilogy:

Revenge of the Sith
The Last Crusade
Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Seems impressive...but when you consider how many times the third act inevitably is the not the best of the trilogy...not so impressive anymore:

Return of the Jedi
Jurassic Park III
Back to the Future III
Terminator 3
The Godfather, Part III
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
X-Men: The Last Stand
D3: The Mighty Ducks
The Matrix Revolutions
Mission: Impossible III
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Return of the King
Die Hard with a Vengeance

And now, welcome to the club....Spider-man 3!

We'll have rulings on Rush Hour, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Bourne Saga, and Shrek by summer's end. We'll also have to remove Die Hard from the discussion, since there will be more than 3 films in the series.

The first round of the NBA playoffs (and there's still a #4 vs. #5 Game 7 tomorrow!) have been magical...except, of course, for the Heat getting their asses chewed up, swallowed, digested, pooped out, flushed, deposited into a lake, eaten by a fish, caught by a fisherman, eaten by the fisherman, vomited by the fisherman, and eaten by ants in the garbage bag.

I hate the "No gifts" on birthday invitations or "in lieu of flowers, please [do some action]" in obituaries. I can't think of anything better than a gift or flowers for a celebration or a funeral or something -- don't give me an assignment like "in lieu of flowers, please volunteer at [this charity], which is what [dead person] would have wanted".

Oh, and also: I'm not getting married in a church and my funeral will not be in a church. My life goal is to never willingly set foot in a church. Well...one of my life goals. Another involves a tyrannosaurus...yet another involves an Asian girl.

Should Scrubs come back for a 7th season (and Zach Braff seems to believe it's a done deal, whether on NBC or ABC), it will be the longest-running non-animated comedy on television. That's fun.

Also, I bought this recently:

That's Steve Nash's college jersey if you were not aware just how big of a nerd I am. When I wear that, it will be like skywriting "I AM ALLERGIC TO GIRLS" across the Northern skies.

I think I, overall, prefer shorter hair on girls. I don't know what that says about me.

I'm Gonna Straight Up Murder Your Ass,
JTB

I Have Felt Him, My Master.

2007-04-14T20:34:00.000-05:00

I thought: "what better way to title the post in the week that Don Imus got fired than with one of the more homosexually erotically charged lines in all of Star Wars?"

Speaking of Imus, here's the deal.

What he said was dumb and insensitive -- no question. Do rappers say far worse things? Absolutely. Should Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton speak out more against the poor image perpetrated by rappers rather than harping on some crazed old white alcoholic racist cowboy whose ratings have fallen 50% in the past ten years and is barely in the top-20 of New York City drivetime talk radio show ratings? Yup.

But Imus is on public radio, he represents WFAN/CBS/MSNBC, all his sponsors, and himself IN THAT ORDER. Tact, Donald; learn some.

Should he have been fired? I have no disagreement with his termination but that stems more from the fact that he has said things like this for years -- only those comments never garnered attention because there was real news going on, so it went unnoticed.

These past two weeks, though, the biggest story was who officially fathered the baby Anna Nicole Smith (a dead drug-addicted gold-digging made-up model). I'm surprised we didn't get a Time cover story on "why did dinosaurs go extinct?" which is a staple of slow news weeks.

The most despicable aspect of the entire thing is the statement made by Les Moonves in the press release announcing Imus's firing. He claimed that he and other CBS higher-ups were "revulsed" and "upset" about Imus's comments....that's fine and I don't doubt he and others felt that way but...um, you waited 8 days to fire him. It took you over a week to realize that being revulsed and upset by one of your employees was grounds for termination? Wow.

Oh hey, this is totally unrelated: they fired him the day after the largest sponsors of his radio show pulled out all funding. I'm sure that's unrelated. Moonves and CBS were probably revulsed and upset long before they stood to lose a lot of money and got a week's worth of ghastly publicity....I'm sure.

I like that you can now type up your Blogger.com blogs in Hindi. Must've been a big market if they made that change and published it on the front page.

Recently, I've bought the following DVDs:

Robot Chicken - Season One
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Talladega Nights
Batman (Special Edition)
Batman Returns (Special Edition)
Fast Food Nation
The Professional (Deluxe Edition)
Desperado (Special Edition)
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (Special Edition)
The Blues Brothers (25th Anniversary Edition)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Ultimate Collector's Edition)
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
Shaun of the Dead
Unforgiven (Special Edition)

Know what? Mrs. Incredible/Elastigirl from The Incredibles is hot. I don't care what that says about me. She's hot.

So a lot of people have been emailing me, asking why I was so on top of posting everyday and suddenly am not. (P.S., nobody has been emailing me -- as far as I can tell, only about 4 people do read this and they are my friends...but see, if someone stumbles across this blog and reads that sentence about a lot of people emailing, then they will believe I have a loyal reader fanbase and maybe start reading in an attempt to stay up-to-date with the hottest trends and hip writers.)

Anyway, I am posting less because A: March and April are the most hectic of the spring semester (that doesn't mean I do all my work diligently and ahead of time; point of fact, I usually wait until the last night and -- wouldn't you know it? -- that's usually when I tried to post so...yeah, all my prime posting time was occupied with school work that I put off until that time) and B: I am lazy and, let's be honest, even if I wasn't lazy, posting nearly everyday for however long it was (nerd check: it was 43 out of 48 days) was positively Joe DiMaggio-esque.

Did you know that quicksand is more like mud than dry sand? It is. Boom.

Why is nobody going to see Grindhouse?! More people saw Disturbia*, Blades of Glory, Meet the Robinsons, Perfect Stranger*, Are We Done Yet?, Pathfinder*, Wild Hogs, The Reaping, and 300 this weekend than Grindhouse. Those with asterisks were in their first week of release, meaning it's understandable that more people would see them than Grindhouse, which is in its second week.

But Wild Hogs?! It's dumb to begin with but it's in its seventh week of release! And 300 has been out for five weeks! Who waits five to seven weeks to see a movie in the theaters?!

WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS COMMUNITY?!

Fuck You; That's Who Works Here!
JB

What is Thy Bidding, My Master?

2007-04-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

Another repeat Darth Vader line as our title. Dig it.

Boy, Noah couldn't be bothered to save two of every dinosaur, could he? Fuck that son of a bitch up his righteous A.

Apparently Dane Cook's disaster that was Employee of the Month was proof enough to get him roles in Good Luck Chuck and Mr. Brooks. Y'see, in Hollywood...you fail UPWARDS.

Also: he is from Boston, claims to be a huge Red Sox fan and YET...he's been seen wearing a Yankees hat (he claims it was after 9/11 and just to support the city. Screw that noise.

I was disappointed when I saw Tourgasm. I was more disappointed when I saw Vicious Circle. I was beyond disappointed when I found out how some of his jokes were lifted from Louis C.K. But a self-proclaimed Red Sox fan wearing a Yankees hat? That's beyond comprehension.

Hey, stop what you're doing and go see Grindhouse. It's the most worthwhile 3 hours and 15 minutes you'll spend at the movies this year.

As long as we're on the subject...here's the winner of the Grindhouse Fan-made Faux Trailer contest (and, if I may add...the coolest trailer ever):

I'm going to Los Angeles in May for Star Wars - Celebration IV. Now my nerdery is COMPLETE. Maybe I'll go to Bill Simmons' house and bother him.

Scrubs was awesome this week. Not a big surprise, though, it was a Zach Braff-directed episode.

So, the second and third dunks in this video are maybe the most astonishing things I've ever seen.

Jennifer Garner in this month's Allure? Um...yes, please. And while I like her -- the subtitle on the cover is "Has Curves"? Let's be real...she's hot and everything but curves? That's not her.

Hey, it's Easter. Oh wait, that's another fictional holiday. While we're here, let's celebrate the fact that it's two months since Steve Nash's 33rd birthday. Call it...Nashturday. In related news: Steve, Shawn Marion and Amare Stoudemire are on the cover of Slam this month.

This doesn't mean I like you, Slam...let's make that clear.

Speaking of basketball -- here's my new favorite player who is not in the NBA yet: Ricky Rubio. Yeah, the video may not be that jarring but...the guys he's playing against? They're in their 20s and 30s...Ricky is 15 in that video (he's 16 now). Also as a 15 year old against the Russian national team, he dropped 51 points, 24 rebounds, and 12 assists. Read that again.

MLB.tv is a fantastic invention. I can watch any game I want in television quality on my computer. With MLB Mosaic, I can watch six games at once. Poop is now in pants.

Speaking of baseball, it started on Sunday and the Braves are 3-1. Delicioso!

Hobo With a Shotgun,
J

What is Thy Bidding, My Master?

2007-03-31T21:06:00.000-05:00

Recent movie grades:

TMNT (A-)

Fantastic. A few kiddie jokes that just were clunky and the villain was kind of flat/cheeseball but the animation was mad phat fluid -- a lot of the cinematography was incredible, even considering that it was animated.

It's better than Secret of the Ooze and Part III...although, let's be honest: when my cat falls asleep on my arm and my arm goes numb? That's better than Part III.

All the voice work was solid and I liked the natural comedy that came out of some of the situations.

I wanted Donatello and Michelangelo to get a decent subplot but that might have pushed it over 2 hours and I can understand not wanting to go that far with a movie directed at kids.

Apparently, a sequel was already a done deal before this movie even hit theaters because the ancillary tie-ins (toys and what not) paid for this one's budget weeks ago but Weinstein and Imagi recently announced that it's a pretty sure thing to expect a sequel.

I think I just pooped in my pants.

Reign Over Me (B)

The only things I didn't like was that it went from very well-written to kind of "I need to fill screen time here" writing...you go from feeling very deeply about something to like "what was that for?" and as a result, I think it was a little too long/poorly edited.

While Adam Sandler was very good (why he doesn't do more serious roles -- or at least "dramedy" or "human comedy" projects...I'll never know), I think people are kind of exaggerating the quality of his performance and I think I know why.

If it was anybody who was typically a dramatic actor (which Sandler is not, save Punch Drunk Love), the performance wouldn't be getting that much attention. Like I said, it's good but I think because it's Adam Sandler, people are more struck by it. Not necessarily a bad thing that he's getting a lot of love but I think it's kind of coming from the wrong place.

Anyway, I think this will be kind of a polarizing film where people either tear it apart or embrace it despite its flaws. I fall into the latter -- I just liked the two lead performances too much to attack it overall.

Blades of Glory (C+)

I was of the crowd that actually liked Talladega Nights. Of course, it doesn't rival Anchorman (honestly, though, does any comedy in the past 10 years rival Anchorman?) but that doesn't stop Ricky Bobby from being a brilliant satire of NASCAR/the South, John C. Reilly being brilliant, or the script from being (techncially) better than Anchorman.

Anyway, I'd put Blades of Glory just below Talladega. It has moments that might be considered funnier than Talladega (I haven't yet gotten Talladega on DVD but I have to imagine the deleted scenes/outtakes/improvs on that thing have to be epic) but the writing is kind of weak and the last 1/3rd of the movie is pretty average. It doesn't have as-huge of a shift between the first and second half (hello, Wedding Crashers) but there is a noticeable stumbling down the stretch in Blades.

I wanted more of Poehler and Arnett (who hit home runs in every quick appearance) and didn't understand Jon Heder being cast in his role.

First of all, he's widely considered a comedic actor, yes? Yes. But his character is basically like, the straight man to Will Ferrell's character...so why not cast someone as a brilliant straight man? Heder can be funny and could easily have gotten another role in this film that would be more comedic but why not have, like, Paul Rudd as Jimmy McElroy? He's funny but he can be the subdued, straight guy who's also funny. Does Jon Heder really bring in that much of a crowd that the film demanded him in the co-starring role? I don't know.

I thought they could have had like, a career renaissance-type of role for Craig T. Nelson but it was a flat role and he didn't get to do anything fun.

Whatevz. I thought it was good. Not pantheon-level comedy but solid.

P.S., Jenna Fischer in her underwears. Boom. Worth the price of admission.

The Lookout (C)

I didn't really feel strongly in any direction for this movie. I looooooved Brick and based on his performance in this, I am now kind of a closet hardcore Joseph Levitt fan. The role wasn't extremely deep or complex but he chose to play it in a way that I don't believe most people in his mold would have.

What I mean is (and if you've seen the trailer, you know this): his character is a former all-star high school athlete who had a great girlfriend and all this jazz but then gets in a car accident which affects his memory so he has to write a ton of things down and go to classes to improve his disability (there's some motor skills affected, a slight limp, the mental things, etc.) and take medication and his life is just totally altered. I haven't read the script but my guess is the character description didn't make it abundantly clear that the character was just a few degrees "off"...so he could definitely have played it like Hoffman in Rain Man or something stranger...but he played it very naturally and believably.

But the movie, as a whole, is just kind of "there". It doesn't jump out as amazing in any scenes but also doesn't hit you as "god, that was bad" at any point, either.

300 (D)

This movie's unrelenting praise troubles me. It's drawing comparisons to The Matrix, Gladiator, and a host of other good-to-great films that share common themes or threads or whatever with 300. Get real.

The Matrix was one of the best "hero's journey" archetypal mythic journeys since Star Wars. Please bear in mind that, while I'm saying these kind things about The Matrix, I do not really consider myself a fan of The Matrix (and especially not the sequels) but I -- nor you -- can deny that it was PERFECTLY structured. In terms of a landmark action film, The Matrix also defined a lot of conventions new to the 2000s. 300 will not be remembered the same way...I promise.

300's writing, structure, and acting are average at best.

I know a lot of people would read this review and say "dude, it's just an action comic book movie, don't expect much else". Well, I didn't expect much else but they couldn't even deliver on the "action comic book movie" part.

In terms of action, I felt no tension, excitement, or inspiration from the scenes with action. None. They certainly were not breaking any new ground that made the footage worthwhile. The movie was not even interesting to look at -- where Sin City, even in static scenes, was like a deep and visceral comic book panel in each frame...300 was just "person in front of sky or boring landscape". Nothing was leaping out at you or kept your attention while people spoke in British accents about glory or whatever.

It was a video game that lasted 2 hours. I mean, there's a 5-10 minute introduction/set-up and then a fight scene. Then a little dialogue. Then another fight scene. Then dialogue. Then fight scene. Then dialogue. Then fight scene. If this were Grand Theft Auto, the "fight scene" would be where you run out to complete a mission for a mafia boss.

300 : Gladiator :: Starship Troopers : Star Wars

It's cute and convenient to compare them but...come on.

It's So Sad That I Know That,
Justeeeeeezy

That is Correct, Commander.

2007-03-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Guilty Pleasure Movies:

1. One Fine Day

Michelle Pfeiffer was never hotter than she was in this film, George Clooney is awesome (as expected), the kids are actually both very good, and Amanda Peet might also be at her hottest in this (a rare two-female star hotness peak crossover). Dually, there's an exchange about superheroes, LSD, and "the f-word" that restores my faith in humanity.

2. Indian in the Cupboard

For God's sake, Darth Vader fights a tyrannosaurus! Done.

3. Mr. Holland's Opus

Who cries during this movie? ...certainly not me...

4. Circle of Friends

God, I need to turn in my Man card. I really don't know why I even have a penis.

5. The Big Chill

I swear...I really don't like this movie...ok, I do. Jeff motherhumpin' Goldblum!

Top 5 Underrated/Forgotten Movies

1. Sleepers

So freaking good. I'm not even going to explain myself; if you've seen it, you know.

2. Houseguest

Sinbad and Phil Hartman are automatic in this. I demand to know why Sinbad didn't become a huge comedy star. The transitions between comedic and dramatic moments are not at all smooth but I don't care.

3. Heavyweights

Written by Judd Apatow and featuring Paul Feig...and they aren't even the best parts of the movie. Ben Stiller is awesome in it and they didn't cheese it up as much as they probably could have. I love that it also captures a lot of the 1990s kid movie magic -- very distinct than if it were made in the 80s or today.

4. Sgt. Bilko

I don't even know if anyone remembers it. But it is really funny for being really shallow; again, Phil Hartman is awesome. The small roles by Chris Rock and Dan Akyroyd are exceptionally memorable. This may, in fact, be the last valiant effort of Steve Martin's career.

5. So I Married an Axe Murderer

Shit is BOSS.

...so, there you go.

115 People Die On-Screen in Episode III -- Beat That, Lord of the Rings,
Jus a Bus

I Want to Know What Happened to the Plans They Sent You.

2007-03-23T01:40:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, I haven't posted in ten days. Shut up. I was enjoying myself.

Dually, I done changed the name of my blog. The Art Vandalay has transformed into The Forever Endeavor.

I was thinking maybe "The Forever and Ever Endeavor" but that might be a little wordy. Anyway, who knows. Maybe that will be another thing.

In regards to my basketball pickings...out of the 32 predictions I posted, I got 22 correct.

In short: as of now, I have 3 of my Final 4 still standing and -- at best -- I will have 5 of the Elite 8. Luckily, both my Championship participants are still alive.

THIS ISN'T OVER. (Although it probably is.)

The Matt Schaub-to-Houston trade is redundant. Let's put it in regular terms: you have a 2003 Toyota Corolla with under 10,000 miles on it but you don't ever change the oil or heed any of the warning lights -- you also have $20,000 (which is all the money you have). Your friend has a 2001 Toyota Corolla with under 2,000 miles on it.

You two agree to a trade; you give him your $20,000 while getting only the '01 model in return and because you gave him all your money, you will not be able to pay for the upkeep on the '01 Corolla. Dually, now you have no use for the '03 model.

So why did you even do the deal? Because you're stupid. And so are the Houston Texans.

I got to meet Irvin Kershner and enjoy a Q&A session with him on Monday. Most excellent.

In unrelated news: how did The Shawshank Redemption not win any of the seven Oscars it was nominated for? Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, Best Editing, Best Score...NUFFIN.

Dually, how did Pulp Fiction get nominated for seven Oscars the same year and only win ONE (for Best Original Screenplay)?

I liked Forrest Gump but...come on. No way it trumps both Shawshank and Pulp Fiction (in addition to having six more nominations than either of those films).

P.S., is the scene where Brooks is shown going through his life outside Shawshank (as he narrates it, from his letter to Red), culminating with his death, NOT the most heart-wrenching scene ever? It's legitimately capable of making me physically sad.

The new Spider-man 3 trailer looks terrific and I was beyond excited about it...until I read the novelization (or at least the main points of it). Now I want to be as-interested as I was...but I truthfully cannot be anymore, knowing what I know.

Scrubs has been AUTOMATIC these past two weeks. A "return to form", as it were.

Plus, Zach Braff is getting $350,000 per episode, next season. That's about $8.5 million; girlfriend's gonna get paaiiiiidd.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering: Star Wars > Lord of the Rings.

Forever and ever.

Song recommendation: "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse
A really, really good jam. My favorite off of Black Holes and Revelations; Muse is underrated. Interpol, too but they're not being discussed here.
Movie recommendation: The Shawshank Redemption
If I need to explain this, you need to just go ahead and die.

IT'LL GET YOU DRUNK,
j-breeeezyyyyy

Good Work, Commander.

2007-03-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

Let's talk basketball.

First Round

Midwest Region

(1) Florida over (16) Jackson State
Derr.

(8) Arizona over (9) Purdue
I don't know much about Purdue but Arizona is good so...yeah. Also, the Big Ten is the second-most overrated conference behind the Pac-10 and Purdue is in the Big Ten. Banished from the land!

(12) Old Dominion over (5) Butler
It's a chic pick but I have the winner of this game losing to Maryland anyway, so, might as well support the team.

(4) Maryland over (13) Davidson
The ACC is good. Doik.

(6) Notre Dame over (11) Winthrop
I don't like that it is apparently unanimous that Winthrop will win this game. Get real.

(3) Oregon over (14) Miami of Ohio
Miami of Ohio is not only a small-time potato but they barely even earned the right to be that small-time potato -- were it not for a miraculously lucky bank shot against Akron, they wouldn't even be near a bracket. Plus Oregon is, in my opinion, the only truly legit team in the Pac-10.

(7) UNLV over (10) Georgia Tech
The ACC is good but UNLV considers their ranking of 7 a real shot at their credibility. You guys want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?

(2) Wisconsin over (15) Texas A&M - Corpus Christie
Yeah, another derr.

West Region

(1) Kansas over (16) Niagara
I've just got this feeling that, y'know, Kansas is GOOD.

(9) Villanova over (8) Kentucky
I wish 'Nova didn't have to play Kansas second because they're one of the teams I think was slighted in the seeding process and could get far.

(5) Virginia Tech over (12) Illinois
Many people were surprised Illinois got into the tournament at all, much less were spoon-fed a 12th seed...so...a team that shouldn't be there against a team from the ACC? I no think so.

(13) Holy Cross over (4) Southern Illinois
Who is So. Ill. to have a 4th seed? Get out of here.

(11) VCU over (6) Duke
Duke got a sixth seed on reputation alone -- they are not one of the top 24 teams in the country and if you removed the names of the programs and compared the ways these two finished their seasons, Duke would be the 11 and VCU would be the 6.

(14) Wright State over (3) Pittsburgh
I watched Pittsburgh play three games over the weekend. Know what I learned? Their best player is Aaron Gray -- a big, goofy white guy who is a typical low-post scorer. Know what else I learned? Aside from the fact that Gray cannot shoot from farther than 8 feet, make a free throw to save his life, get tough rebounds, play any semblance of defense, or pass out of the post...he is a TERRIFIC player. So, this team -- which had no Plan B when Gray struggled in games against Louisville and Georgetown (and which he is DESTINED to do against Wright State) -- is one of the top 12 teams in the country? Really? Screw that noise. Upset special, babydolls.

(10) Gonzaga over (7) Indiana
You have to love that whenever Gonzaga gets publicity before the tournament, they always falter and whenever nobody's paying attention, they thrive. This year is an example of the latter end of the publicity scale and guess what: it's TIME baby.

(2) UCLA over (15) Weber State
I don't think UCLA is very good at all -- for all the credit they get -- but I don't think they'll be losing this one...although I would be more than glad to be wrong about this.

East Region

(1) UNC over (16) Eastern Kentucky
Like UCLA, I don't believe in UNC at all...but this is a gimme.

(9) Michigan State over (8) Marquette
I remember two years ago when Michigan State was similarly ranked and nobody was considering them a threat at all and I picked them to go to the Final Four and they ended up making me look very smart. Well, that's kind of relevant this year because I will continue to believe in them for their ability to make me look wise.

(5) USC over (12) Arkansas
How Arkansas made the tournament is beyond me...how they got a 12 seed is beyond me AGAIN...hey, it's like Illinois. Anyway, they stink.

(4) Texas over (13) New Mexico State
Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Reggie Theus Kevin Durant.

(11) George Washington over (6) Vanderbilt
Two years ago, GW went out in the first round. Last year, they went out in the second round. Do the math. They're not just happy to be there, they're there to wreak some havoc.

(3) Washington State over (14) Oral Roberts
Derr. What is/who is Oral Roberts, anyway? Any relation to the Oral toothbrush/toothpaste company?

(7) Boston College over (10) Texas Tech
I never saw Bobby Knight do anything necessarily special in my lifetime. Plus, BC = ACC school. Hear it, learn it, live it.

(2) Georgetown over (15) Belmont
Doik.

South Region

(1) Ohio State over (16) Central Connecticut
Do you think Central Conn. students will call up and hassle Belmont students if Central Conn. scores more in their game than Belmont does? Do the parents of the players for Central Conn. consider their kids real big-time athletes? I wonder.

(9) Xavier over (8) BYU
On Selection Sunday, I saw some really interesting statistic about Xavier -- when compared to BYU. What was it? I don't remember at all. But I told myself (and somehow remembered this) to pick Xavier. So here you go.

(12) Long Beach State over (5) Tennessee
I don't like Tennessee. Both in terms of their basketball team's potential and just in their entire university's aura...they're like a more redneck-y UVA. Plus, what is a Volunteer? What kind of mascot is that? We dress up like people who work for free! Eat me.

(13) Albany over (4) Virginia
Apparently Albany has some serious talent. And I don't like Virginia; they always seem to upchuck when it matters. Plus, Albany almost beat a #1 seed last year -- I think they're ready to win one.

(6) Louisville over (11) Stanford
Not only is Stanford a Pac-10 team (which means don't pick them, especially if they're the underdog) but Louisville is playing in Lexington, Kentucky...yes, the same Lexington that is like, an hour from Louisville. Home crowd advantage MUCH?

(3) Texas A&M over (14) Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania's an Ivy League school. What are they doing? I do believe the headline about this game will read "Aggies Emerge Victorious, Penn. Coach Found in Puddle of Shit, Urine and Tears -- Did Nothing to Stop His Team's Destruction".

(7) Nevada over (10) Creighton
I would like to pick Creighton but Nevada has the big Fazekas guy who's definitely going to drop about 30 on the Blue Jays.

(2) Memphis over (15) North Texas
I don't want to show faith in Memphis (because I have none) but they're going to win this one.

Booyah.

I saw The Shins in D.C. last night. It was, in a word, phenomenal.

Here's some photos I took.

You want some MOTION picture?

The rest of my photos can be found here.

P.S., I was in the front row. MINT CONDISH.

I also got the setlist. It was top shelf, nugganooch.

Oh, here's another video I recently put together:

It always struck me as funny that Steve Nash was very clearly the only white guy in this commercial and so, I took the opportunity presented to me at this site and ran buckwillllllllld.

No recommendations today. I just don't think you deserve it.

Bang Bang! I Am the Warrior,
Mr. JT

Yes, My Master.

2007-03-11T21:08:00.000-05:00

For the record, I know I used this Darth Vader quote as a title yesterday but guess what: he says it more than once.

Me: 1
You: Nothing

I edited my links on the right -- Real Movie News has been replaced by JoBlo Movie News.

Real Movie News was ok but they didn't update their stuff frequently enough. JoBlo is updated almost daily and has a cooler layout/more news, overall.

Anywho, I saw 300 yesterday. It was pretty good for a graphic-novel-based-action-movie-about-prehistoric-Grecian-war...just don't expect much more than action.

The highlight of the screening was the new Spider-man 3 trailer. I apologize for the shitty quality of that video but Sony has chosen not to yet release a HQ version of it online, so...that will have to do.

Plus, I could watch that trailer with one half-closed eye through a snowstorm and it would still be worth watching several times.

Eric Forman is Venom! Spectacular.

Oh, and sidebar: did you know that there is a character on House named Eric Foreman? How unoriginal can you BE, Fox?! One of your longer-running comedies (That 70s Show) had a character named Eric Forman and you saw no problem with a principal character on one of your most popular new shows having the same exact name? What kind of world is this?

Jesus tapdancing Christ, School of Rock is a perfect example of a flawless movie that people of all ages can enjoy, is it not? It is. I will not argue about this.

Song recommendation: "Gone for Good" by The Shins
I get to see them live tomorrow! And I love this song.
Movie recommendation: School of Rock
I have seen it like, 100 times and it is no less funny than the first time I saw it. Few things can hold up in that way.

YOUR SON IS VERY SKILLED,
J-Hole

Yes, My Master.

2007-03-10T20:22:00.000-05:00

When the EFF did movie tickets at Regal MacArthur start costing $9?! And suddenly matinee only applies to movies before 3 PM? What year is this? What has happened?

Know what's cool? The Tag and Bink Star Wars comic book.

Rather than film snobbishness where I look at every legitimate site's top 100 list or something and say what I have seen and what I disagree with, etc. (see: posts prior to this), I thought it would be more interesting to go the other direction.

Ok, so, out of IMDB's Bottom 100 Films, how many have I seen? No, wait, not good enough. How about the IMDB list PLUS Rotten Tomatoes Worst 100 Ever? Bear in mind, of course, that there are several dozen movies that occur on both lists.

Chairman of the Board
3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
Glitter
Simon Sez
Kazaam
Ed
It's Pat!
Hercules in New York
The Neverending Story III
Jaws: The Revenge
Teen Wolf Too
King's Ransom
The Master of Disguise
Battlefield Earth
Baby Geniuses
The In Crowd
Bloodrayne
Texas Rangers
The Perfect Man
Big Momma's House 2
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Summer Catch
Glitter
Johnson Family Vacation
Envy
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Jawbreaker
Boat Trip
Date Movie
The Skulls
Stealing Harvard
Kangaroo Jack
A Night at the Roxbury
Out Cold
Valentine
Juwanna Mann
Say It Isn't So
Slackers

Know what's worse? That like, a FAIR amount of those titles on the Rotten Tomatoes list were #1 or top-3 at the box office during their theatrical run. People, just because it's the 00's and more movies are being produced annually than ever DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO SEE THEM.

Secondly, all three of Uwe Boll's wide releases in America (Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead) are on BOTH LISTS. Yet he has six more projects either ready to be released or are in development...INCLUDING SEQUELS TO BLOODRAYNE AND ALONE IN THE DARK. What is this?! I hate this man with every fiber of me.

Check this!

House of the Dead (budget: $12 million) made $5.73 million
Alone in the Dark (budget: $20 million) made $5.1 million
BloodRayne (budget: $25 million) made $2.42 million

So, after he made two films where he was a grand total of $22 million away from breaking even...someone thought it would be wise to give him $25 million?

Annoying bonus fact: a German law allows investors in German-owned films to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allows them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor gets a tax write-off.

So, in short: he gets money because -- in English -- Uwe Boll films are a charity.

Want more?

In June 2006, Boll challenged his critics to "put up or shut up". His production company issued a press release stating that Boll would challenge his 5 harshest critics each to a 10 round boxing match. To be eligible, the critic must have written two extremely negative reviews of Boll, in print or on the Web, in 2005.

Good gracious, I wish I had known about this. Nothing would have pleased me more than to write two scathing reviews of his work and then physically end his career (and his life, if fate smiled on me).

I recommend you go out and buy the Michael J. Fox audiobook, Lucky Guy, at Barnes and Noble. It's only $6 and it's a very good book -- although more of a memoir than a book, admittedly, not to mention it is read by Michael himself. Very inspiring and touching.

Song recommendation: "Johnny B. Goode" by Marty McFly with the Starlighters
I know it's not really Mike Fox doing the playing or singing but who cares.
Movie recommendation: Pulp Fiction
I watched it tonight on some movie channel that I didn't even know we had on digital cable. It's a wonderful film to stumble across when you have nothing to do.

The Hand Strikes and Gives a Flower,
Juuuuuuuuustin

The Death Star Will Be Completed On Schedule.

2007-03-07T23:59:00.000-05:00

So, I like them and everything but I think I'm going to re-write/re-structure the Prequels. And I'm not talking drastic re-writes or anything, just shuffling of events, timelines, and incorporating things from the Clone Wars cartoons.

Will I ever really finish them? Who knows. Even if I do finish them...will anyone read them? Probably not. But I have time on my hands. And no life.

Captain America is killed in the latest issue, #25. Methinks it's just another "hey, business is down, let's kill Superman and create a buzz...then we can bring him back to life in a year and amp up business again" situation.

What have I done over my first five days of Spring Break?

Saturday: went to see Zach Galifianakis in D.C.
Sunday: I did nothing.
Monday: I did nothing.
Tuesday: I went to the gym...then did nothing.
Wednesday: I did nothing.

Why is The Office so EFFING good? It disturbs me! What also disturbs me is that we won't be seeing a new episode of it until April 5. Damn these little hiatuses!

"Hiatuses" is a fun word.

Scrubs tonight was delectable. I want more.

Why aren't there more synonyms for "funny"? It's like "hilarious", "amusing", and then "humorous"...and really, who uses "amusing" or "humorous"?

I hate applesauce. The mere thought of it is disgusting.

Song recommendation: "Bob and Bonnie" by Houston Calls
Makes me wanna dance. You can even download it for free on their MySpace page! There's no reason NOT to know this song.
Movie recommendation: Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines
It's not very good. But then again, who cares.

What's up, Halpert? Still Queer?
JB

(I don't want to waste a Darth Vader quote for something this short.)

2007-03-06T04:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, this is going to be short and sweet:

I am buying these; maybe several hundred sets of them.

Everyone should do the same.

Dunzo.

--Justin

No, Captain...They're ALIVE.

2007-03-04T17:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I haven't posted in a few days. There's a few reasons why:

Justin, why didn't you post on Thursday night?

I had an exam on Friday.
I had a project due Friday.
I had a paper due Friday.

Justin, why didn't you post on Friday night?

I had the gym at 4 (it was rough).
I got my oil changed afterwards.
I went to the movies.

Justin, why didn't you post on Saturday night?

I left for Washington, D.C. at 2:30 PM and didn't come back until 3:30 AM Sunday morning.

So, THERE.

But now I am posting and I have things to say.

First: go see Zodiac. A really, really good movie. I'd say the best comparison for it is JFK -- it's a long, historical, story that does not really have a "Hollywood" conclusion. Sorry if I ruined it for you, but if you know anything about the Zodiac killings, here: the guy was never officially identified or caught...like how the conspiracy surrounding the JFK assassination has never been official or anything.

But Robert Downey Jr. and Jake Gyllenhaal are awesome in it. So not only do you have Iron Man and Donnie Darko...but did I mention there are appearances by Casey Jones, William Stryker, and Goose (from Top Gun)?! Mark Ruffalo is terrific, too...but he hasn't played any comic book/action movie hero.

I'm sure that it will become more and more fashionable to bash the movie for being long and the fact that it has no "the good guys catch the bad guys!" ending. But I really liked it.

Zach Galifianakis is now arguably my favorite stand-up comedian ever. If you have to the chance to see him live, please do so immediately.

I've seen some terrible trailers recently. Dead Silence (again), Disturbia, Perfect Stranger, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Premonition, Vacancy, Skinwalkers, Kickin' It Old School, and The Reaping...to name a few.

Can I really blame studios for making these abominations, though? I mean, Ghost Rider was #1 at the box office for two weeks and was only trumped by Wild Hogs. Uggggh. Apparently our society has some weird adoration for shitty movies involving motorcycles.

If I had to rank the Star Wars films, I'd go this way:

The Empire Strikes Back
Revenge of the Sith
A New Hope
Attack of the Clones
Return of the Jedi
The Phantom Menace

I think I could flip-flop on the last two, though.

I also believe that, if you are watching the films for the first time, you should watch them in numerical order; Episode I - VI.

Done and done.

I've made just about $60 on eBay in a week or so. Booyah-kashah!

Song recommendation: "Say Hello to the Angels" by Interpol
It is like, a microcosm representing the epitome of the current rock scene.
Movie recommendation: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I wished Part II was as dark as this one -- it's just cooler than anyone could have expected. I'm very excited for the TMNT animated film on March 23.

Land of the Lost!
J

You Found Something?

2007-02-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

In the discussion of "Movies That Could Absolutely Not Work Today" , Weird Science is absolutely #1.

Seriously, have you watched the movie in the last five years?

They talk in that film like computers are wizard-created magic. They do a 3D computer model of a girl, tap the computer into some military server, scan in a bunch of photos and data, hook a Barbie doll up to jumper cables connected to batteries, and all of a sudden, a woman appears.

It is hard to watch 4 seconds of that film without laughing hysterically.

But honestly, I know it's a John Hughes creation and it was rated PG-13...but how was there no sex scene? Even showing us the part where Lisa's dancing around caused Wyatt to pass out in 10 seconds would be a step in the right direction.

P.S., Wyatt sounds exactly like Bill Simmons. I can't believe this has never been addressed.

I can never decide whose hilariously strange supporting role is better: Robert Downey Jr. or Bill Paxton.

Additionally, I just have a thing for girls in 80s hair or 80s clothes. I do not know what it is.

Kelly LeBrock has not improved since this film, though. To be fair, of course, it has been 20 years....although that didn't affect Sophia Loren or Helen Mirren. STEP IT UP, LEBROCK.

I could have gone to the Heat-Wizards game tonight but I had an exam in International Film History class which I could not get out of. Gay. Although the Heat did win...so...that makes it sort of ok.

Scrubs this week will have a "clip show" of sorts -- a Scrubs first! You know what that means? It will be on Grey's Anatomy before long! ZINGGGGG.

I just split my pajama pants terrifically while jumping out of bed. I hate me. It wasn't in a footrace or while escaping prison...it was WHILE JUMPING OUT OF BED.

Song recommendation: "99 Problems (remix)" by Jay-Z and The Beatles
From The Grey Album -- this one is much better than the original version; the guitars/bass add a whole new level to it.

From rags to riches,
Niggas I ain't dumb.
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

Movie recommendation: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
I'm not the biggest Angelina Jolie fan (tangent: I like Jen Aniston less, though, so...yeah) but I like this movie more than I probably should. It's just fun. Vince Vaughn is terrific and I like the directing -- Doug Liman is awesome (although his track record of Swingers, Go, and The Bourne Identity had already proven that).

Is it "grey" or "gray"? Can I get a ruling on this? Why did we let this ambiguity linger on for THIS long?

Hey, February is over.

Oh God! I Think I Just Miscarried!
Juice

You May Dispense With the Pleasantries, Commander.

2007-02-27T23:45:00.000-05:00

Addendum: I still haven't gotten past the fact that Children of Men did not win any awards (lost Best Editing to The Departed and lost Best Cinematography to Pan's Labyrinth).

Dually, it should've been nominated for Best Director and Best Picture.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, here are two clips from a film you chose not to give any award at all.

[The :48 mark on the second clip is earth-shattering.]

Have a good day.

I hope you all wet your beds tonight.

Get THIS! Someone actually legitimate is coming to the ODU Film Festival this year. Who? None other than mothergrabbin' IRVIN KERSHNER.

I meant to post this blog last night. I didn't. Bite the weenie.

I woke up today, started reading news online and poof, Siebert was on my back.

Want to know what I did with the rest of my home alone weekend? Nothing. Nothing at all. I ordered pizza and ate it.

Fun fact: my dad is in DC until late tomorrow night (or...I should say, early Thursday morning) and my mom leaves tomorrow morning for DC and will be there until Friday.

So I'll be home alone from 8 AM tomorrow until I wake up Thursday morning. Hip!

Song recommendation: "Driftwood - A Fairy Tale" by Cursive
I love it. And I don't care that I recommended a Cursive song the other day, too. I do what I want.

Pinocchio...oh boy, how your nose has grown.
So he would cry, "liar, liar!
I'll prove it to you!"
But then it grew.
He had grown tired of her;
So it was true,
He left her apartment
And he walked all night long.
'Til he was stopped by the shore of the ocean
But still he walked on --
Amongst the whales
And the waves.
And screamed "liar, liar!"
And his wooden body floated away.
He just drifted away.

And now I wonder how I was made...
My arms, my legs, my heart, my face,
my name is Driftwood.

Movie recommendation: Hollywood Homicide
It's not a very great movie but it makes being a cop seem really fun and Harrison Ford is great in a comedic role (even though most of the funny grows out of the fact that he is just out of his element).

Ding-Ding,
Jables

Where Is That Shuttle Going?

2007-02-25T18:14:00.000-05:00

Do I have your attention? No? Well direct your eyes to the right, where you'll find my best friend from preschool, me (pink hat/speedo...same kinda garb I run with today), and Molly from eons ago.

Ok, so, being home alone means three things:

I sleep late and nobody bitches at me.
I can sit downstairs and watch as many movies on digital cable as I want.
I can run around in my underwear.

However, watching a lot of TV (which I do not do, usually) has opened my eyes to several things.

First, no matter how shitty your production value, camera work, acting ability, sound and video quality, or writing...if you have a sex scene every ten pages in the script, your abomination of a movie will get made and will be broadcast on one of the HBO networks late Friday or Saturday night.

(Tangent: I like that, in the comments for Kinky Kong, some guy warns "Stay away from R-rated version. Unrated has its moments" like people are scouring IMDB wondering which version of the film they should order. Tee hee.)

"On Demand" is a terrific invention. It's a free pay-per-view that also involves television shows, through digital cable. We subscribe to HBO which means we also get HBO On Demand so we get all their movies and shows on demand, which is terrific.

So, I've started the process of selling my t-shirts. I've got about 50 or so that will eventually be sold but only four are posted right now. Drink up, bitches.

I'm watching the Oscar red carpet program. I've never been gayer.

Portia de Rossi has to be the hottest lesbian. Seriously, look at the list. It's her title to lose.

Do not see Elephant. I was interested in it when I saw the trailer forever ago and I finally watched it over the weekend on digital cable. You'd think..."written and directed by Gus Van Sant"...it'd at least be ok.

Nope. Hideous. Don't.

Song recommendation: "Wayfaring Sons" by Colin Hay

I sailed across the sea,
My familyyyyy and meeeee.
Never knew if I'd return
But in my memory, I yearn.

Movie recommendation: Children of Men
It should have at least won Best Editing or Best Cinematography tonight.

So go see it and join the cool anti-Academy underground movement where we can look smart and snobby by saying things like "Children of Men totally should have won Best Editing or Best Cinematography".

You're China!
Broseph

Stay in Attack Formation.

2007-02-23T23:18:00.000-05:00

Steve Nash is back.

And no army can stop him (much less the Celtics).

I totally meant to post a monster blog last night but fell asleep after watching like six episodes of Undeclared and eating two dozen bite size Butterfingers. I am the definition of lethargy.

P.S., I realize I did not post on Sunday or Tuesday or Thursday. Want to complain about it? It's because I grew up fat, ok?!

Even as a massive fan of the television series, I must advise you not to see the Reno 911 movie. It is just bad. The humor is forced and broad and the majority of the 70 minutes are just not funny. It was so disappointing, I wanted to jump into a wall. If you wanted to see it, just watch the trailer on loop for an hour. You'll save money and there will be fewer sighs and "why?" moments.

My shoulder/back has been killing me since Monday. I have no idea why. It feels like I bruised the bone and pulled all the muscles around it.

I'm home alone all weekend. Party? Well, let's recap what I've done with my incredibly available Friday afternoon/evening:

Went and saw Reno 911: Miami
Went to my dad's office
Read Bill Simmons's column
Watched The Ringer
Ate some pumpkin pie
Watched Payback
Ate some pork barbecue
Watched Date Movie

So...I've eaten unhealthy food, watched one good movie, one surprisingly decent movie, and two terrible movies. Crazy Justin is home alone!

Also: when I stopped at my Dad's office, all his colleagues knew I would be home alone this weekend and they all asked the "big party plans!" question, which is not too unbelievable but one lady -- after I said "oh yeah, of course" sarcastically -- was like "really? ...yeah? are you going to?". I didn't know how to wriggle out of that situation.

SO I PUNCHED HER IN THE NECK.

In Screenwriting class, the same kid about whom I've made several jokes in the past few weeks -- due to his stupidity, wanted to know "why they keep that [Star Wars] franchise alive" after a small discussion regarding Star Wars novels. Yeah, because creating more products that sell really well is CRAZY.

The same kid also asked -- very offended -- "what the hell is The Machinist?" when we were addressing how actors gain/lose weight. What a meatball.

Why do they have that thing "if anyone thinks these two should not be wed...speak now or forever hold your piece" in the wedding vows? What's the purpose? Was that a common opening that priests needed to leave when marriage was first created?

I'm just going to say it: whichever one of Siegfried and Roy got bit absolutely deserved it.

Song recommendation: "Shallow Means, Deep Ends" by Cursive
It's crispety-crunchety peanut-buttery goodness.
Movie recommendation: The Prestige
Just an awesome movie. How it didn't get more award attention is bizarre. It's not artsy or confusing enough, apparently. Have you seen The Queen? Why is this movie heralded like it is? It wasn't bad but it wasn't as amazing as all these accolades are making it out to be. It's a "safe" movie; based on real events, no risks taken, with a cast of classically trained actors...blah blah blah. Nothing in it would be viewed as potentially stunning or jarring or anything. It's just a little diddle-doo of a movie.

The Prestige, however, has people's fingers getting shot off, a guy falling through a floor, people drowning, people hanging themselves, a non-linear story, adultery. THAT'S TOO WILD, apparently.

You...You Could Try...
Just Bro

We'll Have to Destroy Them Ship-to-Ship.

2007-02-21T00:32:00.000-05:00

THAT'S LEVITATION, HOMES!

Nothing is more exciting to watch than the Phoenix Suns. Nothing. Even if you don't watch basketball normally (I would say "even if you don't like basketball" but really, does that make any sense?), or if you don't think you like the NBA (there are plenty of college-only snobs out there), I highly recommend watching one of their games. Preferably against a team like Denver, Golden State, Washington, Denver, the Lakers, or Utah.

They play the Lakers on March 4 on ABC -- everyone should watch that. It's a Sunday and it's on network TV...there's no reason NOT to watch. Also: Thursday, March 29 (I know, we're sort of planning ahead here) they play the Warriors on TNT. That's going to be awesome. TOTES.

My neck and right shoulder blade have been killing me for about a day and a half, now. It's very disturbing. I feel like, when I stretch it out or grimace in pain or whatever, that I look very phoney because everyone around me can somehow sense that I'm very lazy and that my "injury" isn't the kind that they should bother asking about nor care about/feel pity for. Anyway, it hurts.

With the astounding number of unreleased/b-side songs not included on the general CD release (five in all, I think), I am really warming up to the new Ataris' album. However, it is such a far cry -- in terms of style -- than their previous efforts, it's astounding.

So, in accordance with Arachman's relative isolation in a world filled with darkness and despair, he has joined forces with newly created heroes to form the ultimate team-up crime fighting syndicate....THE REVENGERS.

See, it's like the Avengers but...y'know...they REVENGE rather than AVENGE. Big diff.

The names and likenesses of these fellow heroes, however, cannot be revealed right here and right now...FOR FEAR OF ANNIHILATION. However, I will put out a warning to Captain America, Iron Man, The Hulk, Wolverine, and Thor.

I loooove Undeclared. Will Ferrell's brief appearance was earth-shattering and Seth Rogen is automatic. The whole cast is good, though -- nay, GREAT.

There are two Star Wars "fanboy" movies coming out this year. Read that sentence again.

Fanboys

Trailer: http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=650&item=0

Reported release date: August 17, 2007

5-25-77

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihkni2Yc_no

Reported release date: May 25, 2007

Initial thoughts:

Both look good (although they seem to have completely different sensibilities)
The star of Freaks and Geeks in one and the star of Undeclared in the other? I like those odds.
Kristen Bell? Boo-yah.
Neil Flynn? Boo-yah.

I like this picture/poster -- I also like that they apparently raided my t-shirt and sneaker shelves to dress the guys.

Song recommendation: "New Year's Day" by The Ataris
One of my favorite songs off their new album.
Movie recommendation: JFK
I can't remember if I've recommended this before...whatever. Some new video came out today taken by an onlooker in the crowd as JFK's motorcade moved through the streets in the minute before he was killed and it reminded me of how great this movie is (although it deals a lot in potential fact and whatnot).

Fun fact: Savannah didn't know the name "Jack Ruby" nor that Lee Oswald was shot, much less the fact that Ruby shot Oswald on live television.

Oh, and also: if you go by three names, I'm dropping your middle name when I refer to you. You hear me, Jennifer Hewitt, Tiffani Thiessen, Melissa Hart, Jennifer Leigh, and Seann Scott? First name, last name. All of us do it, you guys aren't just above the rules.

P.S., you can't go by "Jr." or "III" unless the Sr.'s who came before you have some success in some field. You understand? Nobody's going to confuse Ted Ginn Jr. with Ted Ginn Sr. because, well, Senior doesn't do/never did anything substantial. However, Ken Griffey Jr.? That makes sense -- your dad played pro baseball and succeeded, too. Kellen Winslow Jr.? Your dad played football and succeeded, too. Those distinctions are worth making.

AND THAT'S FROM A GROUP E-VITE, BITCH!
Jubba Bubba

Close Up Formation.

2007-02-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

The NBA All-Star game was a blowout. Unfortunate but still more interesting than any of the other major sports' All-Star games by LIGHT YEARS.

The NBA trade deadline is Thursday at 3 PM. I am excited. And I realize that makes me even more of a nerd-bo.

Get ready to laugh!

Oh, exploited cats and X-men references...where would I be without you?

I didn't post yesterday. BFD. I didn't have anything to say.

I'm going to see The Shins on March 12; front row, babycakes.

Here's another fun cat picture:

I don't know what it means and I don't care.

I really would like to see Breach. It's getting good reviews and good ratings.

The new IMDB.com layout (it seems to be only on individual film/show/cast/crew pages) is blowing my mind. I can't decide yet whether I like it or hate it.

Steve Nash RETURNS tomorrow!

This is my new favorite webpage. It is bizarrely addicting for someone without a life, like myself.

Song recommendation: "Saint Simon" by The Shins
Delicious.
Movie recommendation: Cool Runnings
It has its moments.

Farewell My Concubine,
Jables

Send a Detachment Down to Retrieve Them.

2007-02-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

TNT is showing 24 straight episodes of Law and Order after the NBA All-Star Game tomorrow night. The promos for it are so absurd. It's just clip after clip of "I didn't do anything!" "You killed 23 people!" "He killed all those people?" "He didn't!" from a bunch of different episodes.

And they keep claiming it's 24 hours that will KEEP. YOU. GUESSING. Really? Here's my guess -- without watching any of them: they solve the crime at the end of each episode. Oop! Did I spoil it?

Furthermore, doesn't TNT show 24 hours of Law and Order anyway? Why is this special?

P.S., they really do love plugging The Closer on TNT, don't they? Apparently it's the most popular show in cable history...yet I've never seen it nor do I know anyone of any age who has. Sounds about right.

I would watch it if the star actress didn't sound like an idiot and look like silly putty pulled over someone's knuckles.

The Patriots franchised Asante Samuel. That's good news. If you don't know what it means, don't worry; it's good news.

Eff Tyler Perry. The popular Madea movie was not very good at all and he has like two dozen of them out on video. Additionally, now that he's got this Daddy's Girls movie coming out that he insists on calling Tyler Perry's Daddy's Girls...like there's a bunch of other Daddy's Girls that we're going to confuse it with. And he has some show coming to TBS that is called Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Why do this? Why put your name in front of it? Couldn't you just put in the ad "from Tyler Perry, the creator of..." or something? Get real.

The same goes for you, Mel Gibson. Is there another Apocalypto we might have confused your film with? Apparently so, because he named it Mel Gibson's Apocalypto.

Get over yourselves.

Britney Spears. Blech. Only she could make a clinical and sterile-type of haircut appear trashy and dirty.

The only good thing about this Carlos Mencia vs. Joe Rogan feud is that they could end up killing each other a la Tupac and Biggie...in case you didn't know, Mencia and Rogan both can kiss the fattest part of my heinie.

Here's a funny license plate I once saw:

Surprise, surprise: Ghost Rider is apparently a horrible film. 23% positive reviews.

Fun fact: the guy who wrote/directed Daredevil, Ghost Rider and Elektra also wrote Simon Birch, Grumpy Old Men, and Grumpier Old Men. What a weird filmography.

I can't decide which of Charles Barkley's nicknames I like most -- I think "Sir Cumference".

Song recommendation: "Not Capable of Love" by The Ataris
I don't love their new album as much as prior work and this song didn't really hit me as "good" until I heard it several hundred times. It's not exceptionally great but it's catchy and fun. Plus, it has a weird "nu-metal" feel to it, which I kind of like.
Movie recommendation: American Graffiti
Like Star Wars eventually did, this movie influenced a ton of movies thereafter. Everyone gives credit to someone like John Hughes for putting pop music in movies but George Lucas was actually the first to do it, with this movie. Rep where ya from.

The Tank is Empty,
Jusssssssss

She Must Have Hidden the Plans in the Escape Pod.

2007-02-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

So, because The Office was so terrific last night, I felt I should give you a picture of Dwight K. Schrute from an advertisement campaign the cast did for Puma last year.

I didn't study for my Screenwriting Mid-term. I guess that fact was reflected in my final score....right? Eh, kinda. 118 out of 125. MARINATE ON THAT. Stop, drop, and kaboom, baby.

One thing's for sure: young Sophia Loren is arguably the most beautiful woman ever. Gotta be honest, too...the 72-year old Sophia? Not hatin' it. Is...is that weird?

Man, why did Chappelle's Show have to go away? The first two seasons are impeccable.

So, two people from Can't Hardly Wait ended up on Scrubs. Donald Faison and Freddy Rodriguez...and they hate each other on Scrubs! Wow!
Aaron Eckhart has apparently signed on to play Two-Face in Batman: The Dark Knight. This casting move and having Heath Ledger as The Joker make me oh so much more very excited for this film.

Song recommendation: "London" by Third Eye Blind
It's maybe like, the 8th best song on their first album (self-titled, if you're looking).
Movie recommendation: That Thing You Do!
Really, one of the most underrated movies evz. How some festering predictable 2-hour stereotype like Dreamgirls can get awards from all over yet That Thing You Do! gets no love is perfect proof that there is something wrong with this world.

Actually, here's better proof that the world is effed up: you are born and grow up and build a life in one city/area (that's ideally, of course; I know a lot of people move) then, at age 18, not only are you expected to just leave that area for 9-10 months a year but everyone you've met in building your life is supposed to do the same. Even if you could somehow stay in your hometown, everyone else is gone. What is this?

You're the One Calling Barry Manilow from a Phone Booth at 2 AM!
Justooooooooon

They Must Be Trying to Return the Stolen Plans to the Princess.

2007-02-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

Why are cats and dogs so afraid of vacuums? Siebert had like, a Vietnam flashback today when I cleaned my room. Then he was in shock for like 15 minutes after I had turned it off and moved it out of the room completely. It was funny and scary.

Back to the point: why are they so afraid? I start the car right in front of Riley and he doesn't flinch. I park the car right in front of Valentine and she just dances around, completely unaffected. But if you start the vacuum up in front of them and it's an explosion of fear. Is it the vibration? It can't be the sound; the car(s) and the plane(s) from Fentress Airfield (an airforce training base like a mile from here) is easily louder than that.

Whatevz.

Allow me to present the two most devastating dunks ever thrown down in the history of basketball.

Abused.

Why are my parents incapable of remembering names of things? They have watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation like, 40 times and still refer to it as "Chevy Chase Christmas". My dad asked me the other night if "Topanga's Show" is still on; it took me 9 minutes to realize that he was referring to Boy Meets World, which has a character named Topanga. Are all parents like this?

My Favorite Wes Anderson movies, in order:

It's not that I don't think the lower-ranked ones are good (they're exceptionally good), it's just a level of fun and when I saw them, etc.

Life Aquatic came out Christmas 2004 and, as you may or may not recall, late 2004 wasn't exactly the best six months ever conceived. Thus, I was feverishly looking forward to the movie and when it -- lo and behold -- was awesome, it positively affected me for a while.

The same goes for Garden State. Not only was it a good movie and I liked it and everything, but how I was feeling the day I saw it had a lot do with why I liked it so much. I had been meaning to see it for a while and so I checked the movie times and saw that it was going out of theaters on a Thursday.

That semester, Thursday was a busy day, as I had 3 classes in the afternoon/evening. I hated school. It made me sad and angry. I still don't fancy it so much but it's more of a "I'm lazy often" distaste rather than an anxiety/depressed sort of deal. Anyway, I went to my first class -- Public Speaking -- blah blah blah. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt (this bit of information will become relevant in a moment).

After the first class, I was walking (it wasn't a huge trek between classes but long enough) and noticed that it was kind of cold -- like 60 degrees or so (and with those ODU Himalayan-esque wind gusts, it had to be nearer to 50). I kept walking and then all of a sudden, it started raining like nobody's biz. A meteorologist would call it"torrential".

Tangent: why is "torrential" only used to describe rainfall?

Anyway, I was getting drenched. I would never carry an umbrella anyway but even so, no forecast that I saw forecasted a platoon of rain. So, now, I'm pretty cold and soaking wet. My shirt was light grey and ended up looking like charcoal -- I remember that explicitly.

Regardless of the crappy situation, I went to my class (Criminology), which was held in a huge auditorium. Naturally, it was freezing cold in there. Normally I don't mind, but, when I am about 19 lbs. heavier due to accumulated rainwater in my clothes, it starts to bother me.

We were watching Set It Off for some paper (sidebar: our professor officially picked the worst fucking movie ever to showcase a particular type of criminal theory...the name of it I can't remember but there were so many better options that she could've gone with...this is why I should be in charge of everything) but I couldn't pay attention due to the onset of what I believe to be hypothermia.

I should add, here, that, had a situation like this occurred this year, I would have flat-out skipped Criminology and just gone home. Yet, despite my resounding hatred for school in the first 2-3 years, I rarely skipped class....how odd.

Anyway, I was frozen. I didn't care about this decrepit old movie with Queen Latifah and wanted to go home. Still, as I said, I rarely skipped classes way back then so I intended to go to my third class (Latin American History) when I got up to leave Criminology.

Then it kept raining. During my next 5 minute walk to that class and I seriously wanted to sit "Indian-style" on the sidewalk in the rain and just weep like a little girl. I'm not saying some tears didn't slip out during that trek but it was raining, so I can't commit either way.

Anyway, I decided to skip that last class and go to MacArthur and see Garden State before it left theaters (and before I threw myself in traffic). Not only did the movie speak to a lot of issues that I was getting a brutally fresh taste of but I also watched it and was convinced I shouldn't care that much about college.

Not that the characters in the film were role models for their career choices nor did the film preach like, not-going to college, but it was kind of pounding in the message that you can't really waste time dealing with things on as-trivial a level of school or work or whatever. I was inclined to agree.

Also, when Large is talking about how/implying feeling pain or feeling sad isn't a bad thing, it's a realistic thing that everyone needs to accept as just part of living? That was a big deal. Everyone kept trying to give me suggestions as to how I could avoid feeling anxious or depressed or sad about things but it wasn't until I saw Garden State that I realized "I don't need to avoid the feelings, I need to deal with them", etc.

So, yeah. I was still pretty wet when I got home and I cried and hugged my mom. I am a sad, strange little man....and kind of a woman, too.

Song recommendation: "Beast and the Harlot" by Avenged Sevenfold
I like heavy metal-ish songs that scare me and that I do not listen to for quality of lyrics or singing. It's just time to melt some faces.
Movie recommendation: Garden State
Hey, why not? I like that it has no three-act structure "hero's journey" typical stepping stone program to it. It's just a guy going home for the weekend. It's more a collection of connected vignettes that are all happening to this one guy than it is a standard movie story. And I like that. Plus, it's funny, sad, and realistic.

Um, plus, Sam is like, the greatest girl ever -- fictional or otherwise. Not just because she looks like Natalie Portman, either, but her character/personality? *sigh* It's just like CAN I MEET YOU PLEASE.

What A Pick-Me-Up Blog Post!
J

Let Him Go! Stay on the Leader!

2007-02-14T21:34:00.000-05:00

I really like Donnie Darko; not necessarily for the plot/content (I mean, I like that, too, sure) but for how deep Richard Kelly went with it. When you hear him explain certain aspects and where his ideas grew out of...it's like "How are we the same species? You are much much much smarter and more creative than I."

So, in addition to being awesome and super cuuuuute, Elizabeth Banks has a staggeringly awesome Filmography (albeit some of her roles were small).

Catch Me If You Can
The Forty Year-Old Virgin
Invincible
Scrubs
Seabiscuit
Slither
Spider-man
Spider-man 2
Spider-man 3
Stella (the show and earlier shorts)
Wet Hot American Summer

Look what my mom appropriately got me for Valentine's Day (in addition to a ton of candy):
It's a toothbrush that plays the Rocky theme song while you brush! Bill Conti, you make me want to keep my teeth clean. If you want to surprise your kids with Tooth Tunes, make sure you know what kind of song they want!

The good news is that I can now brush my teeth downstairs and then with about 20 seconds to go in the song, I hustle up the stairs and I throw a fist in the air as that final orchestra hit sounds, ending the song.

Hey, this will freak you out: the girl who played the "Angelic" girl in Heavyweights (the one who walks all slowly as the spotlight is on her and then she just asks where the bathroom is) grew up to be a model (like...dabbling in Playboy). If that's not strange...I don't know what is.

Oh, I also realized that Tim in Heavyweights is actually Paul Feig (something I hate myself for never noticing). AND that Paul Feig was also in That Thing You Do! which -- when you consider that he CREATED (and wrote/directed several episodes of) Freaks and Geeks and directed several episodes of The Office AND directed several Arrested Development episodes -- elevates him to BULLETPROOF COMEDY GOD.

If you are reading this and you regularly consume Coca-Cola products (bottles/boxes of cans), pleaaaaaaase send me the My Coke Rewards code under the cap/inside the box. I'll be your friend forever.

There's a country singer named Riley Siebert! What are the odds?!

Speaking of which, why do a staggering amount of characters in superhero stories have alliterative names?

Clark Kent
Peter Parker
Bruce Banner
Lois Lane
Lex Luthor
Silver Surfer
Lana Lang
Doctor (Victor Von) Doom
Wade Wilson
The Fantastic Four
The Sinister Six
Betty Brant
Curt Connors
Cletus Kassady
Matt Murdock
Moira McTaggert
Otto Octavius
Scott Summers
Reed Richards
Sue Storm (yes, this should be a picture of the Invisible Woman but...that's not quite as fun as posting a picture of Jessica Alba in her underpants...so what.)
J. Jonah Jameson
Pepper Potts
Warren Worthington

I have no interest in going to either of my classes tomorrow....BUT I MUST.

Word is that a FIFTH Jaws film is in the works -- likely to go straight to DVD. P.S., also a Deep Blue Sea 2.

What's next? Open Sea 2? OH WAIT, THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT. Come on! This time the boat is RIGHT THERE! I know it's hard to get up there to grab it but with like, 6 people in the water -- at least 2 of them skinny girls -- you couldn't use some of that Hollywood muscle to throw one the girls high enough to grab the railing? Get real.

Have you seen the advances being made to posters? Apparently this sort of thing will soon be commonplace amongst movie one-sheets. Um, orgasm?

This post was a waste...except for the Jessica Alba picture.

Song recommendation: "Heart of the Sunrise" by Yes
It's an epic 10-minute guitar explosion. It makes sense because after the keyboard solo on "Roundabout", that keyboardist needed a break.
Movie recommendation: Serendipity
Yes, a cheesy romantic comedy on Valentine's Day. Suck it up.

I'm Not Stealing...I'm Paying Homage,
Justoooooooooooooooon

Her Resistance to the Mind Probe is Considerable.

2007-02-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

If I had to pick a song to blare while I entered a wrestling/boxing ring, I'd have to go with either:

"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk or "Who Was in My Room Last Night?" by The Butthole Surfers. Maybe "The Final Countdown"...but that would probably be taken by someone else.

The Departed is so effing good. I bought the two-disc special EDISH today; Target sold it with a copy of the script. Jaaaam. I hate that Leo is killed before you even have a chance to say goodbye, though...oh well.

P.S., sorry if I just ruined part of the ending for you. You still don't know what happens to Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen or Alec Baldwin, though!

I was reading some guy's Oscar breakdown at Real Movie News and somehow, even though he didn't believe Dreamgirls was that good (hurrah!), he thought Blood Diamond was worthy of more than one award. Oh, please.

Steve Nash isn't playing in the All-Star game, due to a shoulder injury.

Poopies.

So, I give you a picture of Steve holding a tiger cub. Apparently the Wildlife World Zoo in Peoria, Arizona named two of the cubs after Suns players ("Nash" and "Raja" -- the latter a reference to Raja Bell ).

Racism question: why is Steve's cub white? Raja's cub is orange. Is it a colored thing?! Or did they just name the orange one Raja because the tiger in Aladdin (also orange) was named Raja, too? THIS GOES DEEPER THAN YOU OR I CAN IMAGINE.

Song recommendation: "Shipping Up to Boston" by Dropkick Murphys
I typically don't dig this band nor the whole "scream as if your hand was just sawed off" stuff but The Departed sold me on this one and they actually incorporate the bagpipes into it really well rather than them coming off as like, a novelty act they threw in at the last minute.
Movie recommendation: Marie Antoinette
I didn't think I'd like this movie but it's like a high school movie about a girl...only the girl is royalty and it takes place in the 1700s. Wonderful acting, cinematography and production design plus it's very dry, in its humor and charm. I don't usually like Kirsten Dunst but she was pretty good in this.

They're Heroes in a Half-shell and They're Green,
JBiz

Now I am the Master.

2007-02-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

I have provided you with another link: dance over to Tom's blog and lick the sweet melting word juice off of the time-wasting icicle (clearly you're interested in that sort of thing, if you're here).

On the right is one of my favorite pictures from China.

Norbit was #1 at the box office. Last week, it was The Messengers. Before that? Epic Movie. Even prior to that? Stomp the Yard.

The combined scores of these 4 films (out of a maximum 40.0) on IMDB -- voted by fans? 12.8! That's 32%! TOTAL!

The combined scores of these 4 films (out of a maximum 400) on Rotten Tomatoes -- voted by critics? 50. That's 13%! TOTAL!

I wish I was making this up.

In response, I would go look for some knives or a steaming locomotive but it's easier to just travel to the bathroom...I will now snort several lines of Soft Scrub Bleach Gel.

I had a dream that Siebert had like, 8 sons. It was weird. They all lived under my bed and all looked exactly like Siebert, so, I deduced that I would only see the real Siebert maybe once every few months, as they worked me in shifts, to maximize food distribution. There was also one kitten who was only a few weeks old...so...Siebert fathered a litter of seven in like, 2002 and then one on New Year's Day, 2007. Mother Nature's a mad scientist.

If you read that last paragraph all the way through, nodding along...then I think you and I need to hug. Instead, please accept the picture of Siebert.

Oh, and I realize that my abundance of Siebert pictures makes me look VERY gay. Well, that's just how the applesauce goes. Chesapeake is not scenic in the winter unless there's snow and there is no snow. Plus, you've seen pictures of my face way too much and Siebert > me.

I dare you to watch this and not laugh:

Now, whenever someone signs on AIM, it screams "yeah, it's the Juggernaut, bitch!" It makes the internet less boring.

Song recommendation: "The Metal" by Tenacious D
I listened to this song on loop while playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance -- specifically in the level where you had to defeat Dr. Doom and his endless stream of minions. It is tremendously badass.
Movie recommendation: Rocky IV
I watched it like, 24 hours ago and I still can't fully move on. Drago has like, 4 lines and he's the chief villain! There's also an elaborate and hilarious James Brown/Apollo Creed performance/introduction, Carl Weathers (in a terrific DEATH performance), a Survivor song called "Burning Heart" that comes nowhere near the level of sweet occupied by "Eye of the Tiger", a 1980s robot, and a pre-Flava Flav Bridgette Nielson (now comes with a terrible Russian accent pre-loaded!). Does that sound like a movie you might be interested in? What if I told you that this Family Guy parody is not at all embellished or exaggerated?

Well, how about THIS: Rocky IV ended the Cold War. Yeah, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

I'm BAD, I'm the Baddest Motherfucker in the World,
Just Bro

See To It Personally, Commander.

2007-02-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

So, apparently, Playstation 3 can cure cancer. Hmph! Who knew?

Did I mention Venom recently? Well...Venom.

I chose The Tick for my Superheroes class Inter-textual Assignment. I'm excited.

I don't get people who don't eat pizza crust or bread crust. Grow up, already. Eat it.

Rocky IV may have officially entered the conversation (with Red Dawn) for "most ridiculous movie ever". A viewing this evening reminded me of this fact.

The Rifftrax.com commentary of Episode I is off the charts. I'm glad I have it.

This is funny. Total phallic Prince penis.

I have nothing to say at all ever.

Song recommendation: "Say It All" by Sondre Lerche
I love his voice and style is very unique. It's like jazzy funk rock but with enough scene cred to keep those hipsters off my back.
Movie recommendation: Fantasic Four
It's not great by any means and I think it could have been better but I find it very endearing. I love Chris Evans in it and Dr. Doom is a man's man.

Oh, Just Go to Hell!
Jibbidy Bibbidy Doo

When I Left You, I Was But the Learner.

2007-02-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

So Paramount announced an official release date for the fourth Indiana Jones installment. Drumroll, please! May 22, 2008! P.S., I refuse to call this Indiana Jones 4 or Indiana Jones IV. When it is announced, it AIN'T gonna be called either one of those things, so, kaboom.

Today, I was 1 minute late for my Screenwriting class and my teacher gave me some business about it. Get real.

At a school where 71% of the people don't live on-campus (see: about 14,000 people) you don't believe in giving any wiggle room? Not even a minute? Really? Even in a building that has nine floors, hundreds of rooms (including many offices)? A building that has only two functioning elevators -- that have actually been stuck several times, and one staircase (the two other elevators and staircases have been closed off to students, due to heavy construction)? Construction that has displaced the closest parking lot, making the SHORTEST walk for a commuter about 3 minutes? GET REAL.

I lovvvvvve girls with accents. Spanish, British, Irish, Scottish, French, German...it's all fine.

My Oscar picks are below. I realize most of the winners I picked aren't even nominated...and I don't care...which is why I made up a lot of categories, too.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Departed

Best Motion Picture, Drama
The Prestige

Best Motion Picture, Comedy
Clerks II

Best Motion Picture, Action
Casino Royale

Best Motion Picture, Crime
The Departed

Best Motion Picture, Mystery
Brick

Best Motion Picture, History
Letters from Iwo Jima

Best Motion Picture, Independent
Little Miss Sunshine

Best Motion Picture, Sports
Invincible

Best Motion Picture, Sci-Fi
Children of Men

Best Motion Picture, Fantasy
Pan's Labyrinth

Best Motion Picture, Foreign
Pan's Labyrinth (Mexico)

Best Motion Picture, Documentary
When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Ryan Gosling for Half Nelson

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening for Running With Scissors

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Greg Kinnear for Fast Food Nation

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Abigail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine

Best Achievement in Directing
Paul Greengrass for United 93

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Michel Gondry for The Science of Sleep

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Andy and Larry Wachowski for V for Vendetta

Best Achievement in Cinematography
Emmanuel Lubezki for Children of Men

Best Achievement in Editing
Thelma Schoonmaker for The Departed

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Peter Borck for Art School Confidential

Best Achievement in Costume Design
Chung Man Yee for Curse of the Golden Flower

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Clint Mansell for The Fountain

Best Achievement in Makeup
David Marti, Jose Quetglas, and Arjen Tuiten for Pan's Labyrinth

Best Achievement in Sound
Elliott Koretz for Miami Vice

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
David Evans for Children of Men

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Daniel Acon for Mission Impossible III

Song recommendation: "Painted by Numbers" by The Sounds
I am really getting into lady singers in cock-rocking rock bands. This song is delicious as is the album cover. And they are YET ANOTHER badass Swedish band! The Hives, ABBA, Millencolin, Ace of Base, The Cardigans, Yngwie Malmsteen, The Concretes, and Europe? Meet THE SOUNDS.
Movie recommendation: The Science of Sleep
Just watch it and buy into it.

Taste the Rainbow,
jb

The Circle is Now Complete.

2007-02-08T23:54:00.000-05:00

Anna Nicole Smith died. You have to admit: it's kinda funny. Methinks it's karma. What I'm wondering, though, is why everyone feels so entitled to make fun of her (myself included). Is this the first time someone's death has been instantly and overwhelmingly trivialized?

I just love Sideshow Collectibles. How fucking BADASS does Dr. Doom look?! And the life-size Venom head! Look at Wolverine! I want to put them on my dashboard.

Scrubs and The Office were pretty good tonight. I was pleased.

I know I say this a lot but... I literally have nothing to say.

Quick, Random Best-Ofs!
Best aspect of Old Dominion: [Let me preface this one by saying that, during construction in the BAL building, there are a cavalcade of noises coming from all over.] The drilling noise that, from a floor below, sounds like the alien tripod ships' warning noise (listen for it 2:44 into this video) from War of the Worlds. It is awesome.
Best Simpsons character: Lionel Hutz
Best Day of the Week: Thursday
Best Cereal: Oh's!

I had class at 11 AM this morning but we were only there 10 minutes; apparently our class's editing suite was rearranged and moved without our teacher being consulted, so, it was a little speech about how he doesn't even know whether or not we'll substantially actually PRODUCE any video in our Video Production class.

Song recommendation: "Summer Wind Was Always Our Song" by The Ataris
It's cheesy and old but I still love it. I don't dig too much of their newest album, Welcome the Night (due out Feb. 20) but the one from which this song came (End is Forever) is one of my most favoritest ever.
Movie recommendation: Adaptation
I watched this again recently and I realized I love it -- probably more than either Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine, in terms of Charlie Kaufman-written films. It always kind of makes me mad, though, afterwards because Nic Cage can so obviously act well but he still makes so much CRAP (coming next Friday: Ghost Rider!).

That reminds me...in the 90s, when they were thinking of revamping the Superman franchise, they were going to cast Nic Cage in the lead role....and now he's playing Ghost Rider. Slippery slope, my friend; slippery slope.

I'll Tuck You In, Homie, Buenos Noches,
Bro-Bro

What of the Reports of the Rebel Fleet Massing Near Sullust?

2007-02-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

YEEAAAAAAAHHH WEDNESDAY!

Tyrus Thomas admits that he only agreed to participate in the Slam Dunk Contest this year because of the money (he'll make at least $16,000). Well, he got fined $10,000 by his team for saying it. Still stands to make 6 large!

To the right, you'll notice me with my new hair and my nerd jersey.

I don't like the Naro. The theater nor the video store. The video store is just dingy and has a weird feel to it -- plus movie stores are a completely dying industry (read more below) and it's a pretty fair waste of money (not only that, but I live 20-30 minutes away from there and I pass about a dozen video stores on the way, so, even if I rented movies, I sure wouldn't go far).

The Naro theater is small, cramped, no cheaper than a regular theater, and has no better screen/sound than anywhere else, either. Additionally, because it's a little business, they only have, what 3, show times per day? I'm weird! I need weird show times! I want to see Letters From Iwo Jima at 1 PM on an Wednesday! Plus, they support showing Rocky Horror Picture Show twice a month...umm...no.

It's a perfect physical manifestation of my old movie analogy -- people only still talk about it/support it because it was a big deal way back when. Now, there's MacArthur, Lynnhaven, Greenbrier, and Cinemark -- all nicer theaters at the same price and (in my case) just as close or closer than the Naro. OR I'll go to see the movie when it's at Cinema Cafe, which is absurdly cheap.

Occasionally, the Naro will have certain movies that do not play at the big theaters but I've noticed in the last few years, that the big theaters DO now carry the smaller movies, albeit for a shorter time or after the Naro.

Movie rental stores are useless now. Not only because of Netflix (which seems like a wonderful investment...although I have no firsthand knowledge of it) and similar programs but because of the internet and digital cable. I can see like 15 different movies (new, old, whatevz) everyday on digital cable, if I want. I can download any movie on Earth, from any year (including ones still in theaters), via several hundred Torrent sites for FREE.

So...there's my case against that place. I would love to buy it, completely renovate it (have you looked around the inside of that theater? It's disgusting....which, to some people, means it's nostalgic and has character) and open it up to more showtimes, more movies, and just being way better.

(If you don't know what the Naro is...then...um...ignore the last section?)

AskMen.com released its 99 Most Desirable Women List. I take great offense to many of their rankings. Here's my 25; I decided to only use girls that were on their list of 99 (except for the ones with asterisks...they somehow didn't make the list of 99 AT ALL). P.S., our lists are pretty different -- except both of our #2's are exactly the same.

Natalie Portman
Scarlett Johansson
Salma Hayek
Lucy Pinder*
Jessica Alba
Elisha Cuthbert
Jennifer Garner*
Sofia Vergara
Lacey Chabert*
Kate Beckinsale
Rachel Bilson
Monica Bellucci
Charlize Theron
Molly Sims
Keeley Hazell (I had no idea who this was but their picture of her convinced me.)
Anne Hathaway
Megan Fox (Again: I had no idea who this was but their picture convinced me.)
Vida Guerra (See the explanations for Megan and Keely.)
Jenna Fischer*
Rachel McAdams
Keira Knightley
Eva Mendes
Kelly Brook (See the explanations for Megan, Keely, and Vida.)
Maria Menounos
Alessandra Ambrosio

Have you noticed that the tagline for Norbit is "Have you ever made a really big mistake?". How appropriate! Although I'm unclear whether it's a question Eddie Murphy is asking passers-by, from inside the poster -- referencing the fact that he willingly made "the really big mistake" that is Norbit, or is it an allusion to how you'll feel if you actually end up seeing the movie? I think it's both.

So, apparently this is a big deal: former NBA player, John Amaechi, has admitted that he's gay. First of all, he's not playing anymore -- it's not shaking the foundation of sports. Secondly, when he was a player, he was like...umm...a 984th tier-talent. People are treating this like Watergate or something when it's -- above all -- none of our business (although he did make an effort to do a book, interviews, etc., so he clearly wanted people to know) and absolutely irrelevant to his previous profession.

DUALLY, there was a survey conducted last year among professional athletes in the four major leagues, asking "would you accept an openly gay teammate?". The results are below, as to how many said "yes" AND, in parentheses, the percentage of that league which is non-American:

NHL - 80% (80%)
MLB - 61% (22%)
NBA - 59% (25%)
NFL - 56% (.008%)

Um, am I the only one who doesn't think it's a coincidence that the NHL is much more willing to accept "alternative" lifestyles AND has the most non-Americans? Is it because Canadians and Europeans are not as close-minded as Americans....maybe? Anybody?

Song recommendation: "My Girlfriend's Dead" by The Vandals
I highly recommend the video, which -- with the incredible intro, adds even more badassitude to a wonderful song. Sidebar: I brought this CD into music class in 6th grade and played this song, for our little lyrical analysis project thing. It was quite the show.
Movie recommendation: Milo and Otis
I loved it as a kid and I watched it not long ago. I need to get it on DVD. There's not much to say about it, it's just a toned-down, live-action version of a Nick Jr. cartoon with a much better message that came about 10 years before Nick Jr. took off.

If The Robots Win, We'll Have to Listen to Techno,
J-Bibbles

With Our Combined Strength, We Can End This Destructive Conflict and Bring Order to the Galaxy.

2007-02-06T17:49:00.000-05:00

My favorite news story in a while. Astronaut adultery and murder! I smell a movie of the week!

I went to my 11 AM Video Production class today to find out that apparently, we didn't have it. That was REAL cool.

No, seriously, it was cooler than being cool. It was ICE COLD.

No...seriously. The little lake thing in front of the building FROZE. If that fountain wasn't on, it would have completely frozen over...PRAY FOR GORNTO.

We seriously need to get rid of the penny. They cost more (1.5 cents!) to make than they are worth! Get rid of the nickel and dime, too; round everything into quarters; trust me, the world will be a better place.

Your adjective for the day: nonplussed.

Steve Nash is out for tonight's game. We all know what that means (he's needed on Mount Olympus to ward off the Titans).

Did you know Snuffleupagus has a first name? It's Aloysius. Weird. It was like the time I found out that Ayatollah was not Ayatollah Khomeni's first name -- how was I supposed to know it was a title? I DON'T SPEAK SQUIBBLY!

Boy, that kid from Free Willy sure did disappear, didn't he? Where, for that matter, did Farnsworth Bentley go? Did he explode once his Fame Stop-Watch hit 15 minutes?

I got two Star Wars Unleashed Battle Packs the other day at Target, to go with the two packs I've already purchased. All four sets are prominently displayed in this post. TRY TO FIND THEM.

On that International Film History test I barely studied for, I got a 119/150. That's a 79. Boo-yah!

Song recommendation: "John the Fisherman" by Primus
It's a funky groove. Plus, thinking of fishermen as "Harvesters of the Sea" makes their profession seem a whole lot cooler.
Movie recommendation: Jersey Girl
Don't laugh. This movie was good. It was ripped apart because of the whole Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez/Gigli stigma but that literally had 0.4% to do with the film. The writing is terrific while both Affleck and the little girl (Raquel Castro) are unbelievably good. Liv Tyler is exceptionally likable and George Carlin is awesome (why hasn't he acted more?). If you avoided it because you don't like J-Lo, well, she's in it for like 5 minutes. It's not my favorite Kevin Smith movie by any stretch but just because it was more commercial, more sentimental, and more conventional than his other endeavors, people made their minds up about it before it even came out.

And even AFTER it came out, people just kept talking about Ben and Jennifer, purposely not-analyzing the movie as a work of art. It's like after the Super Bowl, all people wrote about was what the Bears will do next year (with the coach and quarterback), the fact that Tony Dungy is black, and where Peyton ranks, historically...umm...didn't anyone feel like breaking down the game? Like...why did the Bears sit back in a deep cover-2 all night? Why did the Bears never take any of their traditional 80-yard-shots-down-the-field? Stuff like that.

So nobody bothered to notice that Jersey Girl had wonderful cinematography, wonderful performances, and a very positive message, amidst a lot of realistic drama and what not.

And that's why I'm recommending it...because I DID notice that stuff (and because I could not care less about who is dating who or what movie Affleck/Lopez were in, together, prior to this one).

Wow, That Was a Succinct Review of Jersey Girl,
JBiz

Conduct Your Search and Bring His Companions to Me.

2007-02-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

Jenna Fischer crush update:

It's official: if Will Ferrell and Will Arnett
weren't in Blades of Glory, I'd still see it.

My heart continues to swoon.

I think I did well on my International Film History test. And if I didn't, then SCREW OFF.

Since I was given Season 4, I've bought Seasons 1, 2, 5, and 6 of The Simpsons since last week. I'm barely halfway through Season 5; I'm watching all the episodes and then watching them all with commentary....I HAVEN'T A LIFE.

My bicep is on fire. I think it was from moving my television the other night; the pain didn't show up until today. I'm disgruntled.

The trailer for Grindhouse is now readily available! Terrif.

At some point in my life, I'd like to be involved in the creation of a doctrine or a manifesto. I don't know why -- those things just sound so classy.

I got a 38/50 on my Drugs and Society test. If you can't multiply double-digit numbers by 2, I'll spoil the surprise: that's a 76...which is a C. Not too shabby considering:

It covered four chapters (over 100 pages).
I spent about an hour studying the night before.
I only studied two of the chapters.

Imagine if I went to class or *gasp* studied properly!

It is 20 degrees outside. And only getting colder.

I realized I forgot to give out a song and movie recommendation yesterday so today you get TWO of EACH!

Song recommendation: "Sweepstakes Prize" by Mirah
It sounds positively amateur but I love it. It also sounds like it could be the soundtrack to a love scene in an indie movie.
**BONUS** Song recommendation: "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart
It's a platonic love anthem...and an explosion of cheese.

Movie recommendation: Ghostbusters
How have some people still not seen this? One kid in a class of mine had no response when our teacher said "we came, we saw, we kicked its ass!". If you are like him (see: ignorant), you need to drop what you are doing and go see it.
**BONUS** Movie recommendation: Knockaround Guys
Terrifically underrated -- written by the guys who delivered Rounders and Runaway Jury (the former being completely original and the better of the pair). Barry Pepper and Seth Green are awesome and Vin Diesel is actually very good in it.

I have little to say, today, but you're going to like it anyway.

It's More Than a Feeling,
J-Breeeeeeeeeeezyyyyyyyyyy

Do They Have a Code Clearance?

2007-02-04T18:36:00.000-05:00

Coming to you LIIIIIVE from Brown Manor! I'm all by myself (even the dogs are outside) and ready to do a Super Bowl running diary. Get ready to waste some time!

Disclaimer: I am not a fan of either team but I do not like the Colts. Thus, I may appear to be rooting for the Bears throughout this post...but that's probably just because I am rooting for the Bears.

6:24 PM - Ok, due to the Yahoo! TV listings being dirty, rotten liars, I have already missed a Bears kick-off return for a touchdown to open the game!
6:25 PM - Bears are up, 7-0. Here comes Peyton Manning.
6:28 PM - Why does the Super Bowl XLI logo look like something from a Burger King promotion?
6:29 PM - Ugh! Manning was ALMOST picked off. I needed that.
6:31 PM - Chris Harris picks off a deep Manning pass. I am content.
6:32 PM - Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first sighting of THE PEYTON MANNING FACE!
6:36 PM - Those commercials weren't much.
6:38 PM - The Bears offense settles for par (3-and-out) on their first drive. Rex Grossman -- you're going to give 124,840 Chicagoans heart palpitations several thousand times tonight.
6:41 PM - Two Sierra Mist (Michael Ian Black/Jim Gaffigan) commercials during that break...neither of them worth a damn.
6:42 PM - Here come the Colts. Can anybody figure out why CBS feels the need to put the little pulsating red waves to infinitely emanate from their tiny NFL CBS logo.
6:43 PM - Sweet dancing Jehovah, Brian Urlacher is a freight train.
6:44 PM - It's raining in Miami. This has to be the Football Gods punishing the Colts...and I'm all for it.
6:45 PM - Why, on Earth, are the analysts discussing Peyton Manning's thumb? Wasn't it decided like, 10 days ago that he was fine? If they lose this game and he plays like a turd and they blame it on the thumb, I am going to turn into The Hulk.
6:46 PM - The Bears are giving up a lot of short passes underneath; Addai and Clark are nibbling into the secondary pretty consistently.
6:47 PM - Jesus, where was the Bears D on THAT one? 53-yard pass to a GARGANTUANLY wide open Reggie Wayne at the 20 yard line for a touchdown.
6:48 PM - Hunter Smith bobbles the snap on the extra point and so it's 7-6 Bears. I really do hope that comes back to haunt the Colts....then, after the game, Vinatieri rips off his Colts jersey and throws $1 million back in Indy's face, showing a Patriots tattoo on his heart before drilling Peyton Manning over the head with a steel chair.
6:49 PM - "The Final Countdown" in a FedEx commercial. Stupid commercial...maybe the greatest song ever created.
6:50 PM - Crap! I leave the room for a second and the Colts force a fumble on the kickoff return and subsequently recover the fumble. Crap!
6:51 PM - Pazow! Joseph Addai fumbles and the Bears recover!
6:52 PM - And nobody is less physical than Peyton Manning. When there was a mad scramble for the fumble, he stood there like a deer in headlights.
6:53 PM - First play from scrimmage after the fumble and Thomas Jones runs it down to the 5! This is just an exclamation point-laden series of events!
6:54 PM - Is Rex Grossman Jewish? If he is, why doesn't anybody make a big deal about that? You couldn't escape people talking about the fact that both these teams' coaches are black but how many Jewish NFL players are there? Like, 4?
6:55 PM - Touchdown Bears! Grossman for five yards to Muhammed! 14-6.
6:56 PM - Had I been watching this game since kick-off, I would've been able to keep track of the shots/mentions/allusions to the fact that:

Peyton Manning's dad is Archie Manning.
Peyton Manning's brother is Eli Manning.
Peyton Manning has not played in a Super Bowl before.
The NFL desperately wants Peyton Manning to win the Super Bowl.

So, I'll just assume that, since I missed about 1 minute of gametime, the tally was at 3 before I arrived.
6:57 PM - There was a Chevy ad featuring all the most famous lyrics that mention Chevy. I no longer am proud of my Chevy.
6:58 PM - The lens on the main camera is fogging up because of the rain and what not so it looks like someone put one of those soft "magic hour" filters on it, making the Colts stand out like a tearful white lady on a Barbara Walters special.
7:00 PM - Meanwhile, there's still 3 minutes left in the first quarter. Here's my favorite subplot of this Super Bowl week: all writers and columnists everywhere completely wussing out and writing two columns -- one where they explain how the Bears could win this game and one where they make the case for the Colts. PICK ONE TEAM.
7:01 PM - After a questionable "force out" call on a Bears reception, Cedric Benson gets cracked like a whip and fumbles the ball..recovered by the Colts. What is going on in this game?
7:03 PM - I really don't like either of the commentators in this game. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms need to be removed and replaced with Bob Costas and Chris Collinsworth.
7:04 PM - Another Super Bowl wrinkle I love: when they keep adding "this sell out crowd" to statements; like it's some huge accomplishment that the Super Bowl sold out.
7:05 PM - The Colts are punting yet again. How could anyone root for this team?
7:06 PM - I would like to point out that, when Benson fumbled the ball, Grossman dove headfirst after it. Seems to me that, if Peyton Manning is so fantastic, he would at least be as-aggressive as Rex Grossman.
7:08 PM - I'm eating half of a Bloomin' Onion from Outback Steakhouse. Tom and I went there for lunch today and since I knew I was going to be home alone, I decided that I should bring this divine ambrosia home to roost.
7:09 PM - Two Bears players are down; Cedric Benson and John Tate. It got very quiet all of a sudden. I don't know why, though, these two are as-anonymous as the other Wolverines in Red Dawn who weren't Sheen, Swayze, Howell, Grey, and Thompson.
7:10 PM - Bears punt. Snooze.
7:12 PM - Nothing is funnier than when Jim Nantz has to pitch some new CBS sitcom in the middle of a game and he makes an already-lame premise seem even lamer.
7:13 PM - And hey, there, in the stands is the stars of the new CBS hit Rules of Engagement! David Spade, Patrick Warburton and....um....some other dude.
7:14 PM - Deep inside my heart, with every fiber of me, I DESPISE this Grand Theft Auto-inspired Coke commercial. What is this?
7:15 PM - How does Two and a Half Men continue to be the highest-rated comedy on television? Seriously, who watches it? More importantly, all their other shows apparently do well in ratings, too but aside from CSI...what the hell else do they have? Shark? What is this? The Ghost Whisperer? 60 Minutes-- oh, the game is back on.
7:16 PM - Peyton hits Marvin Harrison for an easy 15-yard completion. Curiously, Nantz and Simms don't make any cute "some guy named Harrison" jokes. See, they think it's funny to treat someone who is infinitely talented yet dually infinitely humble and professional like they're some no-name -- it's sarcasm or facetiousness!
7:18 PM - There's two Mannings on the Bears (Daniel and Ricky). They're both black, though, so, the NFL doesn't root for them.
7:19 PM - The little stat breakdown for the first quarter told us that the 4 touchdowns scored in the first quarter were a Super Bowl record. That's fun. Know what else is fun? There were only 3 touchdowns scored in the first quarter, so...CBS is incapable of dividing 20 by 6 and finding out that 4 is impossible.
7:20 PM - Field goal, Colts. 14-9, Bears.
7:21 PM - I've officially had enough of Budweiser commercials. The ratio of good-to-bad is like 1:491.
7:23 PM - Wow. There was just a commercial for some Garmin in-car navigation/music/video product where a "giant Map-o-saurus" fought a guy in a spacesuit, wielding the Garmin device. The music in the background was positively Tenacious D-ish but it wasn't them. Still, that's the best commercial yet...if you're paying attention.
7:25 PM - Here we go! The first mention of the fact that both Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are black. Oh man! Cool! When I grow up, I wanna be a black coach! Get real. Everyone claims there is no more racism or anything but isn't defining things like this or denoting a Black History Month just continuing the belief that races are effectively different? If you want to have a Civil Rights month, sure, do that.
7:28 PM - So, Doritos apparently decided to take their commercial ideas from amateurs or something. The CBS broadcast just commended both the creators of their first two ads for doing it...I don't know why, though...they were both awful.
7:29 PM - Apparently Marvin Harrison has never caught a touchdown in this stadium. That definitely is relevant, because you don't play football like, against PEOPLE, it's against your inanimate surroundings.
7:30 PM - The Colts are moving towards the end zone in big decisive chunks. Come on, Bears defense.
7:32 PM - Just as I say that, the Colts run it down to the 1-yard line.
7:33 PM - Touchdown, Dominic Rhodes. And good God, it is really raining. The Colts are up 15-14 and are just going to go for 1.
7:34 PM - Vinatieri hits it. 16-14 Colts.
7:35 PM - These commercials are just terrible. And they're building up Prince's halftime performance like he will be using the Ark of the Covenant as a mic stand.
7:36 PM - Why in the world has the NFL yet to perfect the commercial schedule? Must it always be "Score/commercial/kickoff/commercial"?
7:37 PM - GM just had a pretty good commercial, with an assembly-line robot losing his job and then throwing himself off a bridge. Can't argue with robot suicide.
7:38 PM - Phil Simms just seemed to kind of begrudgingly admit that Rex Grossman (now 6/8 for 30+ yards and 1 touchdown) isn't playing poorly. Good God, come on people -- they're down by 2 and Grossman has yet to make a mistake.
7:40 PM - Bears punt. 4 minutes to go in the first half.
7:41 PM - I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
7:42 PM - We just had a mention of how "everyone wants to see Peyton Manning win a championship". That brings the tally up to 4.
7:43 PM - In related news, not everybody wants to see Peyton Manning win.
7:44 PM - I have two questions about Wild Hogs: why is William H. Macy in this? and who, in the world, will go see this? I have come to grips with the fact that Johnny C. McGinley is in it (he's been in a few poopy movies) but I just don't understand the movie's existence at all.
7:45 PM - 2 minutes to go, Colts have a first down on the Bears 43.
7:47 PM - Colts fumble! Bears recover! Charles Tillman just bitch-slapped it out of his hands.
7:48 PM - This is absolutely the time when Grossman needs to do his trademark 80-yard pass to Bernard Berrian for a quick touchdown.
7:49 PM - Christ! Grossman mishandles the snap and the Colts recover the fumble.
7:50 PM - Peyton flexes his vagina muscles yet again when, while scrambling, he laterals the ball to a trailing Rhodes who, in no way, shape, or form, was better equipped to get anywhere. Smear the queer!
7:51 PM - I wonder if, were I put at one end of a narrow hallway with Brian Urlacher at the other end, and with a billion dollars on the line...could I knock him down/tackle him? I seriously doubt it but it would be an interesting proposition.
7:53 PM - Seriously, does anyone watch CSI? I've never met anyone who does.
7:54 PM - Vinatieri misses a field goal as time expires in the first half! Boo-yah!
7:55 PM - Halftiiiime!
8:06 PM - Workin' on Diet Coke #2 (I'm way off my normal pace) and about to eat some pizza. Prince's performance has begun...and it's as weak as you'd expect from the current incarnation of Prince.
8:07 PM - Boring football thoughts on the first half:

The Bears are playing zone D it seems, 9 times out of 10. I'm not surprised that Peyton has effectively chewed them up and spit them out once he saw it a few times. They might want to throw in more zone blitz packages in the second half to keep the Colts passing game honest because right now it's just an explosion in front of Peyton but smooth sailing 5-20 yards down the field.
The Bears are sticking to the game plan of running the ball and need to make sure that, just because they're trailing at the half, they don't abandon that plan because it's going to be necessary.

8:12 PM - Prince has effectively butchered "All Along the Watchtower" and currently, the Foo Fighters "Best of You". His dancers need to have a wardrobe malfunction right now...preferably one that lasts 19 minutes in slow motion.
8:18 PM - Apparently these are the two closest Super Bowl participants (geographically). "188 miles, by car" says Jim Nantz. That's interesting...Jim, let me ask: how long is it by train or plane? Longer? Shorter?
8:19 PM - Can I say that Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" song is the worst one I've heard in a while? Can I just say that?
8:23 PM - Here comes the always-underwhelming post-halftime updates from the sideline reporters! Ooh, apparently the Colts think that, if they can score on the first drive here in the second half, they'll be in good shape. Wow, do you think? More points = good?
8:24 PM - The Bears told their sideline guy that the defense was tired after the first half because they played so many more minutes. Wow! Groundbreaking insights!
8:25 PM - The Colts are just bleeding the Bears defense to death. They've had like, a dozen 7-yard out routes to Addai that the Bears are apparently incapable of stopping.
8:28 PM - Jim Nantz informs us that Nathan Vasher would like to marry Oprah Winfrey. That might be the x-factor in this game: celebrity crushes.
8:29 PM - I have nothing to say.
8:32 PM - Where are all the commercials for big-budget summer movies? It's rare that I watch CBS, much less CBS HD and I want to see the Die Hard trailer or the Fantastic Four trailer NOW.
8:34 PM - Peyton Manning is a bitch. Indy is challenging that the Bears' substitutions were not done before the snap, thus, they had too many men on the field.
8:36 PM - Actual exchange from moments ago, while the referees reviewed the play:
"Jim, it has not stopped raining."
"No it has not."
8:37 PM - Vinatieri drills a field goal. 19-15, Colts.
8:38 PM - Speak of the devil, there's an ad for Disney's next animated feature Meet the Robinsons. It looks a little stupid.
8:39 PM - For the third (or fourth? I can't remember) time tonight, Coke has done nothing but show commercials that they have been running for at least a year. Way to step it up.
8:40 PM - Sure enough; field goal/commercial/kickoff/commercial.
8:41 PM - CBS just claimed that Wild Hogs is "the comedy event of the spring". That does not say much for the spring.
8:43 PM - Nobody should be allowed to call Anthony McFarland anything but Booger. He is BOOGER.
8:44 PM - Grossman fumbles the snap but recovers it himself. Par for the course.
8:45 PM - Hey, everybody, big news! Brooke Shields is guest-starring on Two and a Half Men! Wait...Brooke Shields? It is 2007, right? And we're EXCITED about this? Is everyone still excited about that "dogs-playing-poker" painting, too?
8:48 PM - Joseph Addai is one reception away from tying the Super Bowl record (11) which belongs to ex-Patriot Deion Branch.
8:50 PM - And if Peyton Manning breaks Tom Brady's Super Bowl completion record (he's 12 away from it, right now, I think), I'm going to drop kick the television.
8:51 PM - For the third time, the Colts fail to get into the end zone from inside the 20. The Bears are being given plenty of chances to take control of this game but they have yet to take advantage. C'mon, Grossman!
8:53 PM - Field goal, Colts. They lead 22-14.
8:57 PM - I am interested to see how bad or how good The Police, reuniting at the Grammy's next week, will be.
9:00 PM - This game has put me to sleep. Not literally but, in a figurative funny sense.
9:01 PM - The Bears are actually heading towards the end zone.
9:02 PM - No, wait, never mind. Field goal attempt for the Bears.
9:03 PM - Robbie Gould is GOLD...no, seriously, that's how you pronounce his last name. (And he's gold...in a figurative funny sense). 22-17, Colts. 1 minute left in the 3rd quarter.
9:04 PM - I love seeing the camera footage after a camera man gets knocked down on the sideline. It's like real-time America's Funniest Home Videos.
9:05 PM - The Colts challenge yet another call; they want an incomplete (out of bounds) call against Marvin Harrison overturned. It looks like he might have had the catch but I don't want the Colts to succeed so I'm going to hope it isn't overturned.
9:07 PM - Great news: if Tony Dungy wins, he'd be the third player ever to win a Super Bowl ring as both a player and a coach. So...umm...actually, I can't even make up a fantastical reason why this would be big news to anyone.
9:08 PM - The call is overturned. It was a catch. Can't argue with that...but I can dislike it.
9:09 PM - Ugggh. 14 minutes left in the 4th. Let's go! Something needs to happen.
9:12 PM - Oh, goody, another television timeout.
9:13 PM - Budweiser whiffs again. Something about crabs and a cooler.
9:14 PM - Colts are forced to punt. Fantastic.
9:15 PM - Marvin Harrison might be injured. While I don't like to cheer for injuries (and it looks like he's probably not in too bad of shape), it's about time the Colts suffered an injury at a key position. They've had more luck over the past five years than any team ever.
9:16 PM - The audience is at least 60% Bears fans, which is terrific.
9:17 PM - Big Bears completion down the field to Muhammed.
9:19 PM - Rex throws a painful interception that is returned for a touchdown. 28-17, Colts, with the extra point forthcoming.
9:21 PM - The Bears challenge that the guy who intercepted it (who knows what his name is) stepped out of bounds.
9:22 PM - That guy did not step out. Touchdown stands. Here comes Vinatieri for the extra point and it is 29-17 with 11:44 to go in the game.
9:23 PM - Unless the Bears come back, this game could rival last year's Super Bowl as most boring game ever made.
9:25 PM - The Bears are marching.
9:29 PM - Grossman's pass is picked off. Back-breaker.
9:31 PM - Nine minutes to go and it's still a 12-point game, only now the Colts have the ball in Bear territory.
9:32 PM - Can someone please explain to me why these medication commercials have to list every single precaution, side effect, and potential complication IN the commercial? If you have to ask your doctor for it, that means you need a prescription for it, yes? And if you asked your doctor for it, wouldn't THEY check to make sure you're not mixing medications or whatever, and wouldn't THEY inform you of all the side effects? I'm tired of having to sit through commercials where the list of side effects and complications last longer than the explanation of what the drug can prevent/alleviate. And I'm tired of having to listen to statements like "loose stool", "decrease in semen", "weak stream", and "sexual activity" while looking at old people in bathtubs or people dancing around in some apartment.
9:35 PM - While I was ranting, the Bears sacked Peyton and forced them to punt.
9:37 PM - A little over 7 minutes left, the Bears have the ball and are down by 12. They need a touchdown before the 5 minute mark or they're not winning this game.
9:38 PM - The Bears are mounting this drive like it's the opening quarter. URGENCY, NUGGA NOOCH!
9:42 PM - Bears are going for it on 4th down.
9:44 PM - Rex completed the long pass but Dez Clark dropped it after a hit. Oh well.
9:45 PM - I know there's 5 minutes left, but this hot potato is over. Even if the Colts go 3-and-out here, they'll run at least 2 minutes off the clock and nobody's scoring 12 points in 3 minutes.
9:46 PM - The Colts are just running past the Bears defense.
9:47 PM - I am rooting for Dominic Rhodes to rack up his yards now because if he goes over 120 or so (and he has 1 TD), he's the favorite to win the MVP. I desperately do not want Peyton to win the MVP and while his numbers aren't amazing, nobody else on the team has done anything incredible, either, so...it's a bit of a toss-up.
9:49 PM - CBS just tried to convince us that "NO MORE FOOTBALL" is "NO PROBLEM" because we can always turn to David Caruso and CSI: Miami. Are...are you sure?
9:51 PM - Running out the clock...
9:52 PM - Running out the clock...
9:53 PM - High, ho, the dairy-o, we're running out the clock...
9:54 PM - There's the Gatorade shower.
9:55 PM - That's all, folks. Colts win, 29-17.
9:56 PM - The NFL finally gets its wish.
9:57 PM - Obligatory boring commercials before the MVP is announced.
10:02 PM - Thank God Craig Ferguson is coming on later tonight! I've only seen two Late Late Show promos and I'm ready to go on a shooting spree.
10:05 PM - Roger Goodell is not good with words; not at all like Tags.
10:10 PM - The Colts owner mentioned God about 4 times in his speech while accepting the Lombardi Trophy. Get real.
10:11 PM - "The Lord doesn't always bring you directly through" says Tony Dungy. What?
10:12 PM - He adds "Christian coaches showing that they can win the Lord's way..." This postgame show brought to you by Pat Robertson Industries.
10:13 PM - Peyton won the MVP. Gaymo. (Only one more to tie Tom Terrific. K? Thanks.)
10:15 PM - That's it. Final thoughts?

I hate the Colts. I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I saw the "Hey Indianapolis Colts fans! Your team just won the Super Bowl!" ad. It's gross. It's like having a pigeon in the house.
The Bears defense was obviously too tired for most of the game (a la the Patriots two weeks ago).
Rex Grossman didn't play very well.
Wild Hogs is not only a movie, it's an EVENT. And on top of that, it's THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SPRING.
The fact that CBS didn't make much of a big deal that Peyton's dad and brother play/played football was stunning (and much appreciated).
Time has not been kind to the face of David Spade.
Boomer Esiason picking, before the game, Peyton Manning to be the MVP is not that amazing of a prognostication. If you picked the Colts, there's a 99.9% chance you picked Peyton as the MVP.
The Sour Grapes Patriots fan in me says "win two more and then we'll talk".

You Can Stuff Your Sorry's In a Sack, Mister!
JB With the Remedy

And He is Most Displeased With Your Apparent Lack of Progress.

2007-02-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

(+44) is is coming to the Amphitheater in May on the Honda Civic Tour! Yusssspaaa!

In depressing related news, they are not headlining the tour......Fall Out Boy is. Snooze-a-palooz-a.

I am a lethargic beast. I fell asleep last night at around 8 PM and woke up at about 2 AM. Fast forward six hours and I fell asleep again at about 8 AM...only to wake up at 1 PM. Only 11 hours of sleep -- admittedly not THAT absurd a number -- but that's a lot of time spent in about a 6-foot area.

So I got a new TV in my room! Samsung SlimFit 30" Widescreen Flat-Tube HDTV. Boom city.

It actually wasn't "new" so much as "my dad bought it last summer for the poolhouse apartment but no longer likes the way it looks over there (whatever that means) and so he is getting a different TV for that room and he had no place to put this one". That translates to: JUSTIN HAPPY (see above, right).

Hey, have you heard the new titles for forthcoming sequels for this generation's horror films?

The Ring 3: Stop Watching the Damned Tape.
Hostel 2: Umm...Stop Going to Hostels, Maybe?
Saw IV: We Get it; He Tortures People.
The Grudge 3: I Don't Speak Japanese, So, I Still Don't Know What This is Supposed to Be.

Get the eff real.

What's the cut-off for being "fashionably late" for an event? Half-way through the event? I'd have to say one-quarter of the way through is the cut-off. After that, you're just late and rude (provided you don't have a good excuse, of course).

I got my Film History book today. After Barnes and Noble and Borders both gave me nothing, I had to go to the Dominion Bookstore and reward the price gouging of Old Dominion and its partners. But the counter girl was cute and when I walked in, she was watching Hulk, so...not a total waste of an afternoon.

I have very little to say. The Super Bowl is tomorrow. Expect a lot more.

Song recommendation: "Art Snob Solutions" by Of Montreal
They're more like The Beatles than most any band I've heard since then (although The Apples in Stereo do occasionally have me thinking McCartney/Lennon circa 1965). They have other songs that have grown more popular -- I think their music was actually used in an Outback Steakhouse ad -- but I just like this song most.
Movie recommendation: Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
I broke in my new TV with this tonight. It is a stew of everything awesome. The first time I bore witness to the dual scene cutting back-and-forth between the birth of Luke/Leia and the "birth" of Darth Vader was like, among the top moments in my life.

I Can't Hear Shit,
Jibbidy Bibbidy

Your Destiny Lies With Me, Skywalker.

2007-02-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

ATTN: I would like to create an addendum to my "Movies I'm Looking Forward To" list, for 2007.

Ladies and gentlemen, Knocked Up. Let's hear it for Judd Apatow bringing the funk yet again. And I'm not just talking about 40-Year Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks, and Undeclared.

He wrote and produced Heavyweights! One of the best children's movies ever!

I'm also avidly anticipating every single future endeavor of Will Arnett.

-Blades of Glory (2007)
-On Broadway (2007)
-The Brothers Solomon (2007)
-Hot Rod (2007)
-Spring Breakdown (2007)
-Get 'Em Wet (2007)
-Jeff the Demon (2007)
-Semi Pro (2008)
-Most Likely to Succeed (2008)

Besides the first 3, I don't know how reliable those dates are or if the projects are even finalized/set to be made. Whatevz. The summaries sound good.

This just in: ESPN will now refer to ESPN2, ESPNHD, etc. all as just ESPN.

I feel that I ripped my Drugs and Society test limb from limb. But, I've had that feeling before and turned out to be wrong...so, let's wait before making any conclusive assessment.

Brett Favre made a decision about whether or not to come back. It only took him 5 weeks. Roger Clemens is going on 17 weeks. Make up your goddamned mind, you bastard.

I got a SWEET sweater today from H&M; I had never heard of this place until today. Yet again, I am very uninformed. I did like their clothes, though -- good prices and good quality (for the most part).

Here's a robotron I saw in the play area in MacArthur Mall.
It seemed to be calling out to me. Thus, I took a crappy photo with my cell phone.

Why -- in a show or movie -- whenever the good guy's dog barks at someone (someone they have just met or do not know very well) and they say "sorry, usually he's really friendly" or "that's weird (dog name) likes everybody!" and yet never suspect a thing? This happens in every movie ever and nobody ever suspects something is afoot. Come on!

Let's move on to a Super Bowl prediction, shall we? Bears 34, Colts 20.

Reasons why:

1. It is the year of Florida.

2006 NCAA Basketball Champions? University of Florida.
2006 NBA Finals Champions? Miami Heat (with two Florida alums in the starting 5).
2006 World Series MVP? David Eckstein (Florida alum).
2006 NCAA Football Champions? University of Florida.

...so who is the quarterback of the Bears? Florida alum Rex Grossman.
...where is the Super Bowl being played? Florida.
...what team could Peyton Manning never beat in college? Florida.

2. It is the year of the upset.

Florida was not favored to win the 2006 NCAA Basketball Championship.
The Heat were not favored to win the 2006 NBA Finals.
The Cardinals were not favored (scroll down, on the right) to win the 2006 World Series.
Florida was not favored to win the 2006 NCAA Football Championship.

...so who is the underdog in the Super Bowl? The Bears.

3. Whenever an overwhelming majority of the population and "experts" unanimously agree that one team will win...it never pans out.

2005 NCAA Football Championship - nobody gave Texas a chance...they won.
2002 NCAA Football Championship - nobody gave Ohio State a chance...they won.
Super Bowl XXXVI (2001) - nobody gave the Patriots a chance...they won.

...so which team is not being given a chance? The Bears.

People are being way too hard on Rex Grossman. He had five poor games this season -- five out of sixteen. And newsflash! They only lost three of those five which means (follow me here) that the Bears DO NOT NEED REX TO PLAY LIKE AN EARTHBOUND GOD IN ORDER TO WIN.

Plus, if a guy is effective nearly 70% of the time, and even when he's not effective, the team is still ultimately successful 40% of the time...why, exactly, are the Bears getting such a raw deal?

Don't get me wrong, the AFC is still a much better conference but just because the AFC has four of the top six teams in the league doesn't mean the best team from the NFC can't beat the best team from the AFC.

Did that make any sense?

This game just stinks of the Giants-Ravens Super Bowl from six years ago, when the Giants were riding incredibly high after blowing out the Vikings 41-0 in the NFC title game (sounds like the Colts after they beat the Patriots, doesn't it?).

The Ravens were matched up against the #3 offense (Oakland) in the AFC title game and "stunned" them in a defensive blowout (sounds like the Bears after they beat the Saints, doesn't it?).

And then what happened? The Giants completely got handed their lunch by the Ravens defense in the Super Bowl.

Hey, as long as we're on the subject, remember when the Patriots won three Super Bowls in four years?

Super Bowl XXXVI

Super Bowl XXXVIIISuper Bowl XXXIX

I do.

I'm currently practicing sacrilege, I believe. I am using a Microsoft wireless mouse with a Mac.

Song recommendation: "Dog Problems" by The Format
It sounds like an pop/indie rock show tune. The whole album -- carrying the same name as this song -- is terrific. "Time Bomb" is probably my favorite song and it is guaranteed to get stuck in your head for at least one full season. Also, they released six live tracks on iTunes recently (including this song) and they have about six more available through their MySpace page. I mean, c'mon, look at their band picture! Don't they just LOOK like they could kick out some fun rock 'n roll?
Movie recommendation: Heat
I've mentioned it recently as one of my favorite movies and somehow the American Film Institute left it off of their top-400 ballot. How, on Earth, a Michael Mann-written and directed movie with (deep breath) Robert Deniro, Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, Jon Voight, Tom Sizemore, Ashley Judd, Hank Azaria, Natalie Portman, Jeremy Piven, Bud Cort, Mykelti Williamson (Bubba Gump!), Dennis Haysbert, William Fichtner, Amy Brenneman, Tone Loc, Ted Levine (Buffalo Bill!), Danny Trejo, and Henry Rollins DOESN'T make the top-400 is absurd. ABSURD. The movie could be two hours of film of those 18 people sitting in a waiting room and it would automatically be in the top-400. And nobody deserved to get killed more than Waingro, in this movie. EFF that dude. Plus, the whole urban legend that THE scene with Pacino and Deniro in the diner never actually happened (rumored to have been shot on different days -- that they were never on-set together) makes it even more interesting. Plus! This movie has no stages -- it was all on-location. Terrific.

She's Got a GREAT ASS!
Broski

This Facility is Crude But It Should Be Adequate to Freeze Skywalker for His Journey to the Emperor.

2007-02-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

To get you going, please get lost in the eyes of the Muhammad Ali boxing cat below.

So Steve Nash made the All-Star team. That's right. SUCK IT.

I never understood why people were so protective of "secret family recipes". Get real. Share the recipes.

The Office and Scrubs were good tonight. Yet again, Scrubs tackled a topic that everyone on network TV is afraid to; a few weeks ago, it was abortion and this week? The War in Iraq.

Are you allowed to steal someone's groceries, in the grocery store, before they pay for them? Is that illegal in any way? They don't own them.

And why don't grocery stores ever put a little vertical chart map-directory at the front, like the mall does? And have little brochure maps. Sometimes I wander around for ages because the signs hanging above the aisles are not conclusive enough.

Like at Harris Teeter, the chips are not in the Snacks aisle. What is that?

I have a test in my Drugs and Society class tomorrow. Woof. I have to study for that. I haven't gone to that class since January 10th. Kerplop.

Also, I have to finish turning the last two pages of an old Spider-man comic into a screenplay for -- you guessed it -- my Screenwriting class. Have I mentioned this before? ...anybody out there? Hello?

I got all of my hairs cut today. It's pretty.

I brought the house down in my Superheroes in US Media class today. First, our teacher was talking about symbols for Superman and how -- particularly on Smallville -- Clark never really seals the deal with Lana Lang or Lois Lane and how he consistently wears pink. He asked "what kind of message is this sending?" and I raised my hand and offered the answer "that Superman is incredibly gay?". It KILLED, Jerry, KILLED.

LATER, he was going through about 50 slides of old and funny Batman merchandise, to show how superheroes are just as much brands/products as they are mythological characters, etc. Anyway, afterwards, he asked "what kind of questions do you have, once you've looked at all of this?" and I wanted to know "where can I get a goddamned utility belt?".

And that was my swan song.

So...yup.

Has everyone read about this? I hope so. How weak does the city of Boston look, now? They did this in like, ten cities, and they were the only ones who wept like a little bitch with a skinned knee 'n shit. And after reports/suspicions, they shut down the interstate, the river, and the train system for SIX HOURS before someone realized it was a cartoon character and this was just a promotion. Come on! It's an LED with four Duracell batteries!

That got me thinking: Aqua Teen Hunger Force is seeing all sorts of promotion off of this, so...I should probably make LED signs with this blog's address and put them all over Boston. Maybe put "it's the BOMB!" underneath, so that it gets even more people worried -- then this place would be JUMPIN'.

I must go -- still have to do all that aforementioned work for tomorrow.

But before we do...

Song recommendation: "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk
It sounds like the techno remix of Hava Nagila but it ain't. It's first-rate toe-tapping JAM SAUCE.
Movie recommendation: The Hidden Fortress
Akira Kurosawa's second-most famous movie; basically, it's the foundation on which George Lucas wrote Episode IV (there's even an interview with George regarding Fortress on the Fortress Criterion disc), so...um, appreciate it or I'll curb stomp your neck. Yes, it came out in the 50s, so, I should technically be ignoring it but it's foreign. Foreign films are allowed in my world.....shut up.

Love Me Love Me (Say That You Love Me),
Jables

They Must Never Again Leave This City.

2007-01-31T16:18:00.000-05:00

I collect subscription cards. I don't know what else to say about that.

Please direct your attention to the right, where you'll find a beautiful picture of my reflection on the bathroom wall tile -- above the urinal -- of an ODU building.

I watched all of The Simpsons - Season 4 last night. What a terrific show. Its peak years were among the greatest of all time. Recently, though...it has started to nosedive. It's not bad or unwatchable now but it's nowhere near where it was.

I have never been able to figure out why on Earth human beings need two types of screwdrivers. I assume flathead came first...so why did anyone feel the need to create the Phillips' head..and why did we reward Phillips for this blasphemy?

So, Prince is doing the Super Bowl halftime show this year. Isn't this a complete 180 from where he was earlier in his career? Remember when he refused to join in on the We Are the World and all those artist-super-team-up-for-charity-events? Like he was above all of the goodwill? Then last year he appeared on American Idol...and now he's doing the Super Bowl halftime show? SELL OUT!

Most overrated fruit: orange
Most underrated fruit: apple

P.S., fruit is only enjoyable if it is cold. Bananas aren't in that category but apples, grapes? Must be refrigerated in order to completely enjoy them.

Today I decided that Honey, I Blew Up the Kid would be a much, much better film if the kid terrorized cities like Godzilla or something and the military was forced to take him down with like, F-22s and stingers. That would've been a phenomenal piece of cinema. Instead, he stomped a few hundred miles, "played" the big neon guitar from the Hard Rock Hotel, and whined before getting shrunk down to normal size.

How old will I have to get before I:

Stop giving myself shampoo mohawks in the shower?
Stop wondering, whenever I see a police officer, if I could pull his gun out of his holster before he could react?
Stop squealing whenever I accidentally touch someone's underwear (other than my own) in the laundry room?
Stop laughing at a fart (be it my own or someone else's)?

I like it when teachers provide their students with the Scantron sheets, rather than asking us to provide our own. I don't care that they only cost 2 cents or whatever it is; going to get them is a pain in the tush.

Here's a picture from inside my car, aiming upwards toward the sun visor and my sunglasses. Note the eerie reflection of my face in the frames.

I am a horse's ass.

We had to watch Nosferatu tonight in International Film History. It was a tour de DEATH. Boredom supreme bean. I wanted to pee my pants and fall asleep for the entire 80 minutes. It completely supported my theory that "stuff that used to be a big deal is now just pedestrian and uninteresting".

It was fucking FREEZING today. (Imagine that -- Norfolk, Virginia in late January by the water...and it's chilly.) And walking around campus is a nightmare. All those tall buildings so close together, right next to the water? It's like a wind tunnel every direction you go. So, it's like 35 degrees and then there's 40 mph gusts of wind pummeling you from every direction. It literally takes your breath away.

When superheroes catch guys robbing a bank or whatever and just tie them up...how on Earth could the police prosecute? What evidence do they have? They're tied up at the scene? Big deal. No proof. That's why superheroes should just kill criminals (see below).

Song recommendation: "Boston" by Augustana
I know it got a fair amount of radio play so it won't be anything completely foreign but I like it; so take that and chew it. Plus, it was on an episode of Scrubs about a year ago...so look for it on an episode of Grey's Anatomy soon!
Movie recommendation: The Punisher
It's cheesy and predictable and violent but I am upset more people have not seen it/recognize it's effectiveness as a "superhero" movie. Tom Jane is awesome as Frank Castle. The Punisher is a hardcore version of James Bond -- he does what everybody always wants the superhero do to (see: kill people rather than just tying them up for the police or taking them to jail). P.S., this is not to be confused with the 1989 Dolph Lundgren version...which is hysterically bad.

My Prostate is Lubed to a Fare Thee Well,
Jus-a-Bus

You May Take Captain Solo to Jabba the Hutt After I Have Skywalker.

2007-01-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture of Riley.

That's all I have. He's a messy beast.

Just wanted to give a big "puff you!" to my Video Production teacher, for making me drive an hour round-trip this morning to stay in class for 5 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love not-being at school but a little notice like... "y'know, coming to class today isn't necessary" would've been MOST VALUABLE. Happy ending, though, because we don't have class Thursday morning.

I don't think sleepovers should necessarily be exclusive only to little kids. Having them as adults seems like something the world is missing.

I realized I kind of contradicted myself when I denounced movies from pre-1960 the day after I made a list of the Best 100 Movies while including films from pre-1960...so, I decided I needed to amend my list.

Here's my NEW 100. My five write-in votes are the same.

Airplane!
Alien
All the President's Men
Amadeus
American Beauty
American Graffiti
Annie Hall
The Apartment
Apocalypse Now
Apollo 13
As Good as it Gets
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Back to the Future
Beauty and the Beast
Being John Malkovich
Big
The Big Chill
The Birds
Blade Runner
Blazing Saddles
Bonnie and Clyde
Boogie Nights
Born on the Fourth of July
Braveheart
The Breakfast Club
Boyz N the Hood
Bull Durham
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Chinatown
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
The Conversation
Dead Poets Society
The Deer Hunter
Die Hard
Dirty Harry
Do the Right Thing
Doctor Zhivago
Dog Day Afternoon
Dr. Strangelove
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
The Empire Strikes Back
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Fargo
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Field of Dreams
Fight Club
Forrest Gump
The French Connection
Ghostbusters
Gladiator
The Godfather
The Godfather, Part II
Good Will Hunting
Goodfellas
The Graduate
Groundhog Day
Harold and Maude
Hoosiers
Jaws
Jurassic Park
Kramer vs. Kramer
L.A. Confidential
The Lion King
Lost in Translation
Manhattan
The Matrix
Memento
Mystic River
National Lampoon's Animal House
Network
The Outlaw Josey Wales
Philadelphia
Platoon
Psycho
Pulp Fiction
Raging Bull
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Rain Man
Requiem for a Dream
Rocky
Rushmore
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler's List
Shakespeare in Love
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence of the Lambs
Spartacus
Spider-man 2
Stand By Me
Star Wars
The Sting
Taxi Driver
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
This is Spinal Tap
Toy Story
Unforgiven
The Usual Suspects
When Harry Met Sally...
Young Frankenstein

How are people so passionate about sunsets? They happen everyday. It's like being passionate about bathing. Be passionate about something that's rare -- like new car smell. You don't get that but maybe five times in your life.

I have to recommend everyone check out RiffTrax.com. It's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys doing their vintage commentary on newer movies. It's $3 for each track but that's ok because they'll make movies better.

My newest hatred boils for these stupid YouTube chain-letter-comment things. Have you seen them? Look at the comments here. People post a little paragraph-long "scary" or "tragic" story under the Comments and demand that others copy and paste it a certain amount of times or face grave consequences! B-word, please.

P.S., I love King of Queens and that clip is terrific. Apparently the show is HUGE in Germany, in syndication. If you don't believe me, search "King of Queens" on YouTube and see how many of the clips are dubbed in German or dubbed in English by Germans. It's an absolute blitzkrieg.

Here's my top-10 for the 2007 Death Pool:
-John Wooden
-Hulk Hogan
-Les Paul
-Walter Cronkite
-Kirk Douglas
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
-J.D. Salinger
-Hugh Downs
-Juan Gonzalez
-Lil' Kim

I was making up my 2007 list in late December and I actually had Gerald Ford on there and then he had to go and die on the 26th.

Roger Clemens needs to grow the fuck up. He has yet to make a decision about coming back to pitch in 2007 because, according to him, none of his teammates have called him up and encouraged him like they did before last season. Yeah, Roger, it's your teammates' fault. They should make the decision for you; after all, you're only 44 years old.

I wrote on the wall of the shower with hairs from my head.
Heh-heh...poop.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair. Not me, personally, but, having it cut...y'know...by a professional.

Song recommendation: "No It Isn't" by (+44)
Fun fact! Mark and Travis wrote this song about how Tom destroyed Blink 182. Fists in the air! While we're here, let me just recommend the entire (+44) album to you.

Movie recommendation: Sketches of Frank Gehry
A terrific documentary about the architect -- beautifully directed by Sydney Pollack. (For the uninformed, Sydney is the guy with glasses in the Cingular "silence your cell phones" ad that shows before movies.)

If you don't know about NobodysWatching.tv, then I don't know YOU.

My current favorite YouTube video:

Sadly the song is not readily available on the game, you have to endeavor into some crazy method that allows you put custom songs on the set list. Oh well. Go go Power Rangers.

Va-va-va-voom!
JTB

General, Prepare Your Troops for a Surface Attack.

2007-01-29T00:46:00.000-05:00

I got some new clothes today, at Macy's. They recently bought Hecht's and so they marked a ton of stuff down, to get it out. I got a Hurley hoodie, a new pair of jeans (get ready for this: my old ones were too BIG), a pair of like...Nautica lounge pants, and a Snakes on a Plane t-shirt (for a mere $3!). Siebert quickly turned my old jeans into a nice throw blanket (see right).

Why aren't Mike and Ikes more popular? I love them.

Another fun story: the same kid who hinted at badmouthing Star Wars the other day in Screenwriting struck again, today. We were talking about directors/writers and someone mentioned George Lucas (it wasn't me) and that same kid said "why does no one acknowledge that Lucas only did the first Star Wars and American Graffiti and nothing else?".

I leapt into action.

I said "because that's like saying 'sure, Thomas Edison invented electricity but really, WHAT ELSE DID HE DO?'". Got a good reception.

All in all, I'm awesome.

Great Bridge! My home!

It is just as boring and depressing as it looks...
except sometimes there's green foliage...
and a parade or two.

The SAG Awards were last night.

Let's run down the stupidity, shall we?

Eddie Murphy winning Best Supporting Male Actor? Over Alan Arkin and Leonardo DiCaprio? Nope. Unacceptable.

Actually, that was the most outlandish of them all. Everything else was par-for-the-course-predictable.

In "too fucking right" news, The Office won Best Ensemble in a Comedy Series and Little Miss Sunshine won Best Ensemble in a Motion Picture. Kerplop.

Something has become abundantly clear: I love Jenna Fischer.

Dear Jenna,

Love me.

Love,
Me.

It snowed a little bit last night.

Big ups, Mother Nature. Sadly, it wasn't enough to get classes canceled. And by 1 PM today, it was mostly all gone.

I wanted to put on my winter gear and then run around in the woods, in the snow, with prop guns and pretend I was in Red Dawn.

WOLVERINES!

I hate that when I say "the chair is against the wall" or "John has a long mustache"...nobody understands the reference.

Mark Hoppus knows.

Hey, Barbaro was put to sleep. Not to sound morbid but...does this mean we'll stop hearing about him? Or will there be daily news briefs about where his corpse is being moved and how they're grooming it for an open-casket wake?

Why is it that we have yet to figure out a widespread, affordable version of horizontal blinds that have some sort of electronic draw/close mechanism? Why are we still struggling with the damn pull-it-kind-of-to-the-left-and-kind-of-down crap? Why not just a tiny little wench inside the top of the blinds that runs on D batteries or something, and you just flip a switch? Is this that grandiose and unattainable?

Ugh, in International Film History today, we watched a Russian silent film called The Man With a Movie Camera. It was the worst hour of my life. The film is just a sixty-minute amalgam of 3-second shots of life in his city. There is no story. There is no narrative. There are no characters. It is a home movie from 80 years ago.

Tree. Baby. Machinery. Sleeping homeless man. People playing basketball. Waves. Theater. Coal. Smoke stack.

Does that sound like something you might be interested in? How about in glorious black-and-white, with crappy quality, and a soundtrack that is just five tracks of about 5 minutes on loop. And on top of all of that, why was nobody good-looking in the 1920s? Russia was absolute Fuglyville - Population: Everyone.

On the right, you'll notice a picture of my shoes taken while driving. Hey, I only promised PICTURES -- not necessarily good ones.

I'm starting a revolution. Everyone always rants and raves that most of the best movies of all time were made before 1960 (exactly half of that 100 are 1959 or earlier). Get real. Sure, [some of] those movies are good, but at some point 'history' (in any subject) just starts to become "hey, this was a big deal 80 years ago...now it looks pretty pedestrian".

Studying films from prior to 1960 is like studying building blueprints from prior to 1960; it's just a completely different time and business. Movies from that period are basically a whole other kind of art form -- good, bad, or indifferent -- and comparing them to movies AFTER that time is apples-and-oranges.

Like people saying that Babe Ruth would be able to compete in baseball nowadays? P-l-eaaase. And if Casablanca came out this Friday, nobody would go to see it and critics would rip it apart for moving too slowly, etc.

The AFI and critics everywhere like to pretend that these old movies aren't dated at all -- which is absolutely ridiculous. Most movies from the 1980s (that's 40-50 years AFTER the films in question) are already dated, don't act as if it's not hard to watch the Wizard of Oz without noticing "God, that's aged terribly".

Recommended song: "Pink Triangle" by Weezer
It's like Chasing Amy, in song form. Beautiful.

Recommended movie: Red Dawn
Come on, how could I NOT? The most retarded movie ever made is also one of the most entertaining. Why the Soviets/Cubans would invade America by way of rural Colorado is ridiculous -- and how American defense missed this invasion coming is ridiculous, part 2. How the kids who had some experience in hunting would suddenly know how to handle military rifles and like, anti-aircraft shoulder-mounted rocket launchers is ridiculous. For God's sake, the digital cable synopsis of it is "Colorado teens fight back after Soviet paratroops drop into town for World War III". What kind of person would NOT WATCH THAT? How Chaz Sheen and Pat Swayze are supposed to be brothers is ridiculous. Swayze has the greatest reel of overacting and crying in the history of EVER.

Here's today's terrific YouTube offering:

Keep an eye out for Morgan Freeman as the police officer. And how screwed up is it that the Yeti's main goal in his life is to stick cold things up his chute without using his hands?

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH 'CAUSE YOU EAT BEANS?!
J-Bro

No Disintegrations.

2007-01-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

My one gripe with Curb Your Enthusiasm: no "Play All" option on the DVDs! What?! I also should say that, while it is an outlandish charge, asking $30 for a season of 10 episodes is also pretty uproarious. I can get 20+ episodes of Seinfeld, King of Queens, Scrubs, Arrested Development or WHATEVER ELSE for $30 (or less). So, same price for twice as much material! HBO, you diabolical megalomaniacs.

I recently hit 66,666 miles on my odometer. It was quite the event. Here's proof:

...and that's that.

Films I am looking forward to:
-Breach (Feb. 16)
-Reno 911: Miami (Feb. 23)
-Zodiac (March 2)
-The Ex (March 9)
-300 (March 9)
-TMNT (March 23)
-Reign Over Me (March 23)
-The Lookout (March 23)
-Blades of Glory (March 30)
-Rescue Dawn (March 30)
-Grindhouse (April 6)
-The Kingdom (April 20)
-Spiderman 3 (May 4)
-Fantastic Four and the Rise of the Silver Surfer (June 15)

The spring is usually a wasteland for movies but I have to admit, February and March are uncharacteristically bringing the FUNK this year (or at least they look like they will).

Buying schoolbooks, usually, is a waste but if you have to buy them, go to Amazon.com. Not only does Amazon have lower prices for new books but they have thousands of Amazon members selling used books (and new ones) PLUS they run a dozen new/used book distributors through Amazon. Long story short: you can get a book that retails for $108 (thanks, ODU bastards) for $16.

Best Fast Food Fries:
1 - Hardees
2 - Chick Fil-a
3 - Burger King
4 - Wendy's
5 - McDonald's

This week, I have an assignment due in Screenwriting where I have to turn eight pages of an old Spider-man comic into script format. It's pretty ridiculous. And by ridiculous, I mean easy.

Why do I think that seeing someone get electrocuted would not be as cinematic and fantastic as I envision?

Is Paris Hilton just Manute Bol, but with a bunch of Michael Jackson surgery? Manute's last public appearance? 2002, on Fox's Celebrity Boxing. When did Paris Hilton "break out"? 2003. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

The Brown surname historical motto is "Let Majesty Flourish". That just FEELS badass.

What on Earth happened to Rachael Leigh Cook? I want her back.

I always hear people exclaiming that Super Bowl Sunday should be a national holiday. I never understood that. First of all, who works on Sundays? Nobody. Not even the mailman. So who is benefiting from the holiday implementation? Nobody.

The Monday AFTER Super Bowl Sunday should be a holiday -- there's Easter Monday and then we don't get Super Bowl Monday? Blasphemy. We should also have the Friday before the Super Bowl off, too -- hello, Good Friday. No, wait! GREAT Friday. Very great Friday.

The American Film Institute is re-visiting the 100 Best Movies of All-Time because they released the first list ten years ago. You can download the ballot (with all 400 nominees) at the Institute's website (after you register, of course). Here's the dumbest part, though, the criteria for a film to be eligible:

It has to be in narrative format, over 60 minutes long
It has to have significant amount of its production based in America.
It has to have received critical recognition (dumb criteria #1).
It has to have received major awards and/or nominations (dumb criteria #2).
It has to have been successful at the box office, on TV, and in video sales/rentals (dumb criteria #3).
It has to have some historical significance (dumb criteria #4).
It has to have made an impact on American society (dumb criteria #5).

Plenty of great films were not popular at the box office or in video sales. Plenty of great films were not always loved by critics. Plenty of great films didn't win big-time awards. Not every great film has shaken the foundation of our culture.

Here's my 100, out of the 400 on the ballot. (In no order other than alphabetically)

Airplane!
Alien
All the President's Men
Amadeus
American Beauty
American Graffiti
Annie Hall
The Apartment
Apocalypse Now
Apollo 13
As Good as it Gets
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Back to the Future
Being John Malkovich
Ben-Hur (1959)
Big
The Birth of a Nation
Blade Runner
Blazing Saddles
Bonnie and Clyde
Braveheart
The Breakfast Club
Casablanca
Chinatown
Citizen Kane
The Conversation
Dead Poets Society
The Deer Hunter
Die Hard
Dirty Harry
Do the Right Thing
Doctor Zhivago
Dr. Strangelove
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
The Empire Strikes Back
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Fargo
Field of Dreams
Fight Club
Forrest Gump
The French Connection
Ghostbusters
Gladiator
The Godfather
The Godfather, Part II
Good Will Hunting
Goodfellas
The Graduate
Groundhog Day
Harold and Maude
Hoosiers
Jaws
Jurassic Park
King Kong
Kramer vs. Kramer
The Lion King
Lost in Translation
The Maltese Falcon
Manhattan
The Matrix
Memento
Mystic River
National Lampoon's Animal House
Network
North by Northwest
On the Waterfront
The Outlaw Josey Wales
Philadelphia
Platoon
Psycho
Pulp Fiction
Raging Bull
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Rain Man
Rebel Without a Cause
Requiem for a Dream
Rocky
Rushmore
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler's List
Shakespeare in Love
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence of the Lambs
Some Like It Hot
Spartacus
Spider-man 2
Stand By Me
Star Wars
The Sting
A Streetcar Named Desire
Sunset Blvd.
Taxi Driver
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
This is Spinal Tap
Toy Story
Unforgiven
The Usual Suspects
Vertigo
When Harry Met Sally...
Young Frankenstein

The ballot also asks that you nominate five films NOT on the list of 400. Sure thing.

Here's my five write-ins:

Sleepers
Reservoir Dogs
Chasing Amy
That Thing You Do!
Heat

Also, for tie-breaking purposes, they wanted you to rank the five greatest movies of all-time, out of the 100 you picked. Glad to do it.

The Empire Strikes Back
The Shawshank Redemption
Jaws
Good Will Hunting
Rushmore

And just so you know, I am really excited for film snobs to read my picks and rip my "street cred" to bits, for putting those films as the top-5.

Hey, hepcats!

Sunday nights -- when you have school Monday -- are lame. Right up there with apple skin caught in your teeth and cold toes.

Song recommendation: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
Get ready to smash some stuff, feed Coast Guard men to sharks, and scream with this blaring in the background.

Movie recommendation: Kramer vs. Kramer
Inspired by the above list; watch it for no reason other than the fact that the 8-year old kid, Justin Henry, is absolutely fucking amazing in it. Until I blow the world apart, he's the greatest Justin involved in the history of cinema. Sorry, Justin Long.

Your adjective for the day: lucid

The Arsonist Had Oddly Shaped Feet,
J-Hole

You are Free to Use Any Methods Necessary but I Want Them Alive.

2007-01-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

It's a whole new look!

New template! Three of my daily bookmarks on the sidebar! Excalamation points!

The Real Movie News link has everything-movies you could want. Actual news, when new trailers or posters or pictures come out, box office numbers, reviews -- all organized in a beautiful format.

The TV Tattle one is basically just TV news organized with links. Beautiful.

The Pop Culture one is USA Today's Pop Candy cavalcade of bullplop news that is irresistable in blog format, which means it's like a text form of Best Week Ever or the like.

One of the best goodies that Whitney (the lady who writes the Pop Candy blog) delivered: A comprehensive list of every prank pulled by Jim/Pam on The Office. This is what the internet's all about!

I also decided -- at the behest of a friend AND LOYAL READER -- to update more frequently, but maybe with smaller posts. We'll see. Dually, I think I'm going to put pictures up. Not pictures pertaining to what I'm talking about (maybe, actually) but I'm going to try and take pictures everyday with my camera of stuff, just for fun. So, you'll be drowned in Justin.

In my Screenwriting class the other day, a kid tried to make some sort of comment that Star Wars wasn't good or that everyone doesn't necessarily need to have seen it -- the exact dialogue of that horrifying spectacle I cannot recall -- but in response, our teacher said "yeah, David, maybe you should stop talking for a while". It shook the Earth to the core.

One girl in our class had never seen Star Wars. I told her where the door was.

Another girl had never seen Jurassic Park. I demanded to know what year she was from and if I could use her time machine. There is no excuse for not having seen either film.

I don't care if you were on a 50-year roundtrip journey to the Vega star system and just came back 4 minutes before class, you SKIP CLASS AND GO WATCH THOSE MOVIES BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING.

Sidebar: did you know that when you cross the Atlantic ocean (going at an average of 600 mph), you age 10 billionths of a second less than the people who did not? Insignificant, yes, but how about THIS.

If we develop ships that can travel at just HALF the speed of light, then a 50-year round trip to the aforementioned Vega system would only force the astronauts on-board to age 43 years, rather than the full 50 that everyone who remains stationary on Earth will have aged. Science, bitches -- it's coming for you.

Ten quick, random Best-Ofs!

Best Beck song: Lost Cause
Best background Jedi Knight: Kit Fisto (Sorry, he died.)
Best 2006 film not-to-be-nominated-for-any Oscar: V for Vendetta (close behind: Inside Man and Clerks II)
Best adverb: hurriedly
Best planet: Jupiter

Everyone has been saying, since the Colts won, that Peyton Manning DESERVES a championship, which is about as logical as saying that some kid deserves all A's in high school because he went to class everyday and tried really hard...but he failed every test.

Screw that noise.

You EARN a championship. It's competition -- plain and simple. It takes talent, experience, and luck. Sometimes you have the two former but never can stumble upon the latter (hello, Dan Marino) and occasionally, the opposite occurs (Trent Dilfer, Brad Johnson -- welcome). Plus, if it were up to the general populus, Peyton would definitely NOT get a ring because he is an absolute whore to do every commercial he can get his face into. Sprint, Mastercard, DirecTV, Gatorade, ESPN, Sony...and there's more I'm forgetting. In short: he's a meatball.

If you have a soul, root for the Bears in the Super Bowl. Hey, that rhymes. The people who root for the Colts are the people who watch Grey's Anatomy. And you know what those people are.

P.S., new episode of The Office and Scrubs this week. Change your underpants appropriately.

I saw Catch and Release and Smokin' Aces this week. If you like chick flicks, see the former. If you like Tarantino-type of violence but with some haphazard conlcusion, see the latter. Both get a 2/4 from me but because they're different genres, those scores mean different things.

I have decided, however, that The Tremors from Smokin' Aces should definitely have been played by (from left-to-right) Nick Stahl, John McGinley, and Woody Harrelson.

But a few things were abundantly clear:
-I love Jennifer Garner.
-I love Kevin Smith.
-I love Ryan Reynolds.
-I love Tim Olyphant.
-I love Alicia Keys.

I don't know what that says about me, that my I-love ratio is 3:2 for male/female...but it is. So shut up.

I've also recently seen Children of Men and Curse of the Golden Flower. Children was maybe the best movie of the year. Curse was pretty good for a martial arts film but I wanted more in the ending/one-on-one action department.

I saw a trailer for a movie with a title that I'm certain (like Face/Off, Sudden Death and Reindeer Games before it) was conceived long before the story came to be. The movie is called Dead Silence and, from what I can gather in the hilariously stupid trailer, is about people who had their tongues cut out long ago and somehow those souls end up in the bodies of an old ventriloquist's doll collection? Or something.

Either way, the title totally came first...which isn't that unbelievable, considering this is from the same geniuses who conceived Saw and the riveting Saw 2 and Saw 3. I'm not even giving you links to the Saw films because I would rather just chew up some of my money and wash it down with ammonia.

Tangent: if you go to the movies as often as I do (say, once a week, at least), you will understand just how prevalent the same fucking Ghost Rider trailer is, across the board. The same trailer has been showing in front of movies for like...six months. It's absurd. To promote something as low-level as Ghost Rider that heavily for that long with MULTIPLE trailers is one thing...but with the SAME EXACT TRAILER over and over? Get real.

Also, I always get excited when the Marvel logo flips up (a shortened version of this) and then it's GD Ghost Rider. Ugh. It's a tiny build-up and let-down every week.

Why can't THIS TRAILER be all over the place? C'mon! Die Hard 4 v. Ghost Rider?! That was a contest?

I need to know who put Ghost Rider in every theater or I am going to lose...

*kick*

MY FREAKIN' MIND!

I also thought it would be fun if I, every post, suggested a song and a movie that you absolutely need to check out (if you've already heard/seen the recommendations, then listen/watch again). For the sake of convenience, I will recommend only songs that are available on iTunes or whatever and movies that are out on DVD.

Song recommendation: "Le Disko" by Shiny Toy Guns
It reminds me of 80s and 90s pop but also has a weird indie rock feeling to it. Their whole album is really diverse but this one just gets stuck in your head. If they are releasing a single, this would probably be it. Some of their songs have the lady doing vocals and some have the dude; she is particularly great on this song.
Movie recommendation: The Conversation
Fun facts: Francis Coppola basically took on The Godfather to bank enough money so that he could finance The Conversation, which he had outlined/conceived almost ten years before he got to shoot it. This is one of Harrison Ford's first film roles -- who knows, without this film, maybe Harrison would not have stuck it out long enough to be Han Solo. Both Coppola and Gene Hackman claim this is their favorite film of their careers. The ideas for the story were conceived during a conversation (hey, coincidence!) between Coppola and Irvin Kershner...yes, the same Irv Kersh who directed The Empire Strikes Back (i.e., the greatest film ever conceived/directed/produced by the minds of men in the history of EVER). Do you need more reasoning to see this?

The Human Torch was Denied a Loan,
JB

Asteroids Do Not Concern Me, Admiral.

2007-01-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

Get ready for some links!

I am so tired of Scarface.

It's a decent 80s remake of a 30s gangster film. That is it. It is one of DePalma's least interesting films -- character and story are moved more by dialogue in that film than in any of his others (blame that on Oliver Stone, who wrote the Scarface screenplay whereas DePalma's writing meshes better with his direction than most anyone else's). Dre ssed to Kill, which was a roundabout remake of Psycho, was a better re-packaged story idea than Scarface was.

DePalma has more in common with silent film directors than guys like Coppola or Scorcese and that's why most of his movies are better than their scripts. He uses visuals to reveal character and story -- he doesn't rely on dialogue.

Scarface is not even in the top-5 for DePalma directing jobs, falling far behind Carlito's Way and The Untouchables and still behind Blow Out, Hi, Mom!, and Casualties of War (one of the most underrated movies ever, by the way -- Michael J. Fox is unbelievable in it). Shit, the first Mission: Impossible and Snake Eyes are better films than Scarface!

Pacino's over-the-top character performance (along with a color presentation) is the only thing that distinguishes it from a verbatim carbon copy of the original. Yet all these rappers and teenage kids think it's the coolest movie ever and blah blah blah. It has an 8/10 rating on IMDB, placing it ahead of Little Miss Sunshine, Dr. Zhivago, and A Streetcar Named Desire -- which is ridiculous.

Eff that noise.

The Patriots beat the Chargers.

Nugga nooch!

I was all ready to talk about it but then I read Gregg Easterbrook's analysis of the game in this week's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column on ESPN.com. I cannot beat it. The best parts are below.

The faces of the Chargers' players suggested they expected to win by 20 points, and when LaDainian Tomlinson scored to make it 21-13 with eight minutes to go, they decided to act as if they were ahead by 20 points. With eight minutes remaining, the Bolts were celebrating on the sidelines, and the clueless Schottenheimer did not tell them to get their heads back in the game. Schottenheimer was oblivious to the 16-ton weight about to be dropped on his head -- even though the opponent was the most efficient, unflappable team in NFL history! When New England's players saw some Chargers celebrating on the sidelines with eight minutes remaining as if it was already over, and realized the clueless Schottenheimer was oblivious, they smelled blood. I'll never forget the look on Michael Jordan's face when he saw Charles Barkley start to dance and clown around with a minute left in an NBA Finals game that Barkley thought Phoenix had already won. Jordan smelled blood, and a moment later the NBA crown was his.
And I ask anyone to explain where the San Diego coaching staff was with the Bolts leading 21-13 and New England facing fourth-and-5 with 6:25 remaining. Marlon McCree of San Diego intercepted the ball, then committed the aforementioned fumble. On fourth down you knock down the pass! Had McCree simply slapped the ball to the ground, the Bolts would have taken possession on their 41 with the clock winding down, the league's best running back and an eight-point lead.
On fourth down it is the responsibility of the coaching staff to remind defenders not to intercept! Before a key fourth down in our middle-school flag league this fall, I screamed to my players: "Knock it down! Do not intercept!" My 11-year-old, Spenser, had a perfect bead on a pick and instead slapped the ball to the ground. After the game he said, "Dad, I really wanted the interception, but I knew you knock it down on fourth down." Why didn't San Diego's professionals know this? Why didn't the highly paid San Diego coaches remind them? Before a fourth-down snap by the opponent, coaches are supposed to scream, "FOURTH DOWN! KNOCK IT DOWN!"

Contrary to what you would think, in sports, the result of the game was not the biggest story after the game...it was that San Diego running back, MVP Ladainian Tomlinson, was upset that two Patriots players celebrated at midfield on the Chargers' logo, mocking Chargers player Shawne Merriman's dance (look for it at 2:43) and teasing San Diego about choking the game away. Unfortunately CBS didn't catch the Patriot celebration or else I'd be carrying it in my wallet, in flip book form.

What's more disrespectful to the Chargers is not the Patriots dancing after the victory but the Chargers' defense and coaching effing up a game they definitely should have won. If you don't want someone dancing in the end zone after a touchdown or dancing after a tackle or dancing after winning a game, then keep them out of the end zone, don't let them make a tackle or don't lose the game.

I have to say, also, that if Patriots doing the Shawne Merriman dance is disrespectful, then the dance itself and Shawne Merriman, himself, are disrespectful. I'm curious as to why Tomlinson never mentioned his teammate's "classlessness", in two years playing alongside him.

Oh, and here's more: Merriman was busted for, earlier this year, using an anabolic steroid that he claims he "unknowingly" took as part of some supplement. In an effort to make stupid fans further believe he's telling the truth, he "may eventually" sue the manufacturer of the supplement. Get real. Pro athletes in 2006 take supplements without verifying whether or not they contain an illegal substance? P-L-Z. He's a liar and a cheater and he thinks football fans are just idiots who will believe any load of bullshit he tells us. Nice try but, um, remember Barry Bonds? Yeah, no thanks.

Replicating Merriman's dance after an unlikely victory is fine, not only because Merriman does it after a small individual accomplishment (tackle/sack) but because Merriman's a cheater.

Whatevz. Go Patriots.

The Golden Globes were last night. I mentioned the most ridiculous nominations a few weeks ago but since the winners have now been announced, it's easier to tear into them.

Babel for Best Drama is ok -- I have yet to see it but The Departed was tops and should have won, no matter how good Babel was.
The Best Actress - Drama category was uninteresting to me. I never saw -- or plan to see -- any of those movies.
Forrest Whitaker for Best Actor in The King of Scotland was good. It was either him or Dicaprio in The Departed and I'm ok with either outcome.
How, on fucking Earth, Dreamgirls won Best Musical/Comedy over Little Miss Sunshine, Borat, and Thank You for Smoking is BEYOND ME. Dreamgirls was not as good as That Thing You Do! and yet the latter got no award love. Screw that stuff.
Toni Collette should have won for Best Actress - Musical/Comedy not just because she was good in Little Miss Sunshine and The Devil Wears Prada was an average movie with a flat character played by Meryl Streep BUT because Toni looked bombasaurus last night -- light years ahead of Meryl.
Sacha winning Best Actor for Musical/Comedy was all that was allowed.
I didn't care about Supporting Actress although they should've given at least a nod to Abigail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine.
Supporting Actor going to Eddie Murphy? Get the fuck out of here. Over Affleck in Hollywoodland, Nicholson and Wahlberg in The Departed AND Brad Pitt in Babel? Are you serious? Did you guys even watch the movies?
Scorcese deserved Best Director. Eastwood or Inarritu would have been acceptable, too, but The Departed was just terrific.
Best Movie Screenplay went to The Queen. If this movie was so amazing (it was nominated for everything but BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN EVER), how is it that it got absolutely no promotion EVER? The Departed gets my vote.
Letters from Iwo Jima won Best Foreign Language Film, which is fine. Pan's Labyrinth got a lot of love but I haven't seen it, so I can't say anything about it. I still don't understand how Apocalypto was even nominated in this category.
I like Clint Mansell better than all the other composers nominated for Best Score so he should have won that.
I have no opinion of the Best Original Song nominees.
I didn't care for any of the Animated Films.
Grey's Anatomy won for Best TV Drama. There must be a lot of vagina in the Hollywood Foreign Press. But all the other shows (Lost, 24, Big Love, Heroes) either had a bad year (24) or are not good either, so, it's a bit of a pick-your-poison situation.
Kyra Sedgwick winning Best Actress - Drama made sense. Aside from Edie Falco, none of them deserved it.
Hugh Laurie for Best Actor - Drama was another one that made sense. He's a much better actor than Dempsey, Sutherland, or Paxton. I don't know who Michael C. Hall is or what Dexter is so I can't comment on that.
Ugly Betty over The Office for Best Comedy was a travesty. It's funnier than The Office? Really?
Best Actress - Comedy I didn't care about. Of course I like Julia Louis-Dreyfus but I don't watch her show so I don't care.
Best Actor - Comedy was Alec Baldwin, which is acceptable. Tony Shalhoub was the only one I would have had a problem with -- how he's won it multiple times is baffling; not that Tony isn't a good or funny actor but Monk isn't a funny character...especially not as funny as Baldwin, Braff, Carrell, or Lee.
Miniseries or Movie...I don't even know what these programs are. Therefore, I don't care about the actors/actresses contained within. I do want to know, however, how Entourage is considered and nominated for Best Comedy Series but Jeremy Piven was in the "Best Actor - Series, Miniseries, or Movie" and not in the Best Actor - Comedy category. Is it because Piven plays half-comedy, half-drama? If so, then how on Earth did Braff or McGinley get nominations in that category, too, for Scrubs?

Life is a struggle.

School started. It's not that bad. More as it develops.

Ok, new rule, Planet Earth: no matter if you supported the winner or loser, a week after an election, you have to take the sticker/magnet off of your car. It's January 2007 and I saw a Bush/Cheney 2004 sticker and a Tim Kaine sticker, respectively, today. COME ON.

Here's something I don't normally do: pimp a cause. In this case, NothingButNets.net

You donate $10 (or more; $10 per net) and a child in Africa gets an insecticide-treated malaria net to protect their bed. So, for $10, you're saving at least one life (usually two -- as most children in the struggling areas share a bed). The nets can prevent 90% of malaria transmissions (the African malaria mosquitoes bite between 10 PM and 4 AM).

So, $10...do it. It's a totally legitimate foundation -- sponsored by the United Nations, the NBA, Sports Illustrated, as well as Bill Gates and his wife's foundation.

I've bought a lot of DVDs since my post in October where I listed my entire collection. ADDENDUM:

-Seinfeld: Season Seven
-American Beauty (Awards Edition)
-Analyze This
-Better Off Dead
-The Break-Up
-Carlito's Way (Ultimate Edition)
-Casino (10th Anniversary Edition)
-The Protector (Two-Disc Ultimate Edition)
-Goodfellas
-King of Queens, Season 3
-King of Queens, Season 4
-King of Queens, Season 5
-King of Queens, Season 6
-King of Queens, Season 7
-Diner
-Good Will Hunting
-An Evening with Kevin Smith
-An Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder
-Superman: The Movie (Four-disc Special Edition)
-Superman II (The Richard Donner Cut)
-Superman Returns (Two-disc Special Edition)
-Death Wish
-Reality Bites (10th Anniversary Edition)
-Trainspotting (Uncut International Two-Disc Edition)
-Four Brothers (Collector's Edition)
-Clerks II (Two-disc Widescreen Edition)
-The Conversation
-Raging Bull (Special Edition)
-Heat (Two-disc Special Edition)
-Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (Collector's Edition)
-The Fugitive
-Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (Extreme Unrated Edition)
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Original Animated Series: Volume 6
-Jersey Girl
-Little Miss Sunshine
-Hellboy (Two-disc Special Edition)
-Just Shoot Me!: Seasons 1 and 2
-Kicking and Screaming (Criterion Collection)
-The Last Kiss
-The Bourne Identity (Extended Edition)
-The Bourne Supremacy (Extended Edition)
-The Score
-Requiem for a Dream (Director's Cut)
-Pi
-Saving Silverman
-Schindler's List
-A Scanner Darkly
-Minority Report (Two-disc Special Edition)
-Punch Drunk Love (Two-disc Special Edition)
-Magnolia (Platinum Edition)
-Rocky (Two-disc Collector's Edition)
-Rocky II
-Rocky III
-Rocky IV
-Sin City (Recut, Extended, Unrated)
-Knockaround Guys
-Layer Cake (Special Edition)
-Rain Man (Special Edition)
-The Warriors (Director's Cut)
-Sketches of Frank Gehry
-Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (Unrated Director's Cut)
-Snatch (Deluxe Edition)
-The Usual Suspects (Special Edition)
-Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Unrated)
-Ronin (Collector's Edition)
-Heat (Two-disc Collector's Edition)
-Inside Man
-Office Space (Special Edition With Flair)
-THX 1138 (Director's Cut)
-Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
-Nacho Libre (Special Collector's Edition)
-Narc
-Reservoir Dogs (15th Anniversary Edition)
-The Punisher (Director's Cut)
-Jesus is Magic (Unrated Edition)
-Thank You for Smoking
-The Transporter (Special Collector's Edition)
-The Office, The Complete Series (BBC)
-JFK (Two-disc Collector's Edition)

It's too bad there's not a two-disc Ultimate Edition of me....with a commentary and in-depth documentary about how I became who I am...that'd make for a better blog, methinks.

Chunky Like Cake,
--Jables

If He Could Be Turned, He Would Become a Powerful Ally.

2006-12-17T00:56:00.000-05:00

Riddle me this: what's the incentive for doing well in school?

I mean, for non-major classes, you have to get a D (60%). For major classes, you have to get a C (70%). If you get a B or an A, what do you get for your extra effort? Nothing. You don't place out of another class, you don't get more credit for that class, you don't graduate earlier, you aren't getting a better job or more money once you graduate, you don't get tuition back...why am I supposed to care?

Unless you're in a field like medicine or law, where your content retention is crucial to your success in your professional life (because it is widely accepted that your college major rarely has anything to do with your career outside those pre-med and pre-law) and where your class rank actually matters, what's the point of trying beyond a 60% or 70% level?

Eff that noise.

In related ridiculous news, the Golden Globe nominations came out.

Amongst the dumbest of the selections:

Bobby is in the Best Drama category.
Leonardo Dicaprio is in the Best Actor, Drama for Blood Diamond. That means, as far as the Golden Globes are concerned, his performance in The Departed is equal to his performance in Blood Diamond. WHAT.
Johnny Depp is nominated for Best Actor, Comedy for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I'm not befuddled by Depp getting recognition for acting but Dead Man's Chest is a comedy? When did this happen?
Apocalypto is a foreign language film? Really?
Heroes was nominated for Best Series, Drama...Studio 60 was not. (Read that again)
Desperate Housewives is a comedy? It's a soap opera that airs on Sunday nights and yet it's apparently funnier than Scrubs. P-L-Z.

I got some new DVD shelves. It's a beautiful day.

Oh, and P.S., school is over for three weeks.

So I've beaten the Punisher game twice and I am now working on a third -- as its title would suggest, the "Hard" difficulty is the hardest. You can shoot people twice in the head and they don't die.

Goodfellas is so freaking terrific. GO HOME AND GET YOUR FUCKIN' SHINEBOX is a trash talking line for all time.

The Office is sickeningly great. The Christmas episode was off the charts.

I'm going to bed.

Kabiddly Bee Bee Boop,
JB

He Is Just a Boy; Obi-Wan Can No Longer Help Him.

2006-12-08T18:23:00.000-05:00

I finally figured it out:

The people who choose to watch Grey's Anatomy instead of Scrubs are the same people who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and watch Caddyshack for the gopher.

So fuck all you cockstains.

Why do all non-white comedians center most of their material on their own ethnicity/race? Have you noticed this? It's astounding just how rampant this trend is.

Anywho...

I've seen +44, Imogen Heap, and Tenacious D in concert in the past month. I just need to take a poop and then I can die.

Also: the +44 album is awesome, as is the D album.

However, the D album is definitely a soundtrack for the film -- which comes across as more of a musical than a movie -- more than it is a follow-up album. Also, seeing the film (preferably before listening to the CD) increases the enjoyability of the songs.

Oh, and the new Incubus album = boring. The new Clipse album = toe-tapping.

The Michael Richards racial explosion was incredible and it never gets old. I say it in my head sometimes when I need to giggle.

I moved my TV from one side of my desk to the other, swapping it with the printer. This way, I don't need to constantly swivel the television to view it from my bed or my futon; now it's nearly permanently facing my chair, my bed, and my futon. Choice.

I'm getting rid of my two wire DVD racks and will be buying six of the $15 shelf units from IKEA and stacking them. Not only are they made of "wood" (it's particle board, I know) and they match my desk, dresser, bed cabinets, the trim around my room, etc. but they are shelves so dust has a lot harder time collecting on top of the discs, unlike with the wire racks.

Plus, stacking those shelves opens up more space on top of my dresser for WHATEVER I WANT.

The Patriots are 9-3 but I don't think they have the horses to get the job done all the way this year. Hold on hope, though. The schedule is not too daunting, on paper, down the stretch. Then again, games aren't played on paper...they're played inside televisions.

The Heat are struggling but Shaq's been out so it's hard to get upset. Plus, y'know, the whole "they won a championship six months ago, you ungrateful douche" thing keeps me from getting too concerned.

The Braves have made one offseason move: trading Horacio Ramirez for Rafael Soriano. A starting pitcher for a reliever. Smart? Probably. But very unexciting. There's talk they'll deal Adam Laroche (maybe to the Angels) and Marcus Giles (to San Diego). They were reportedly in the running for Tom Glavine but he went back to the Mets. They were apparently looking to pursue Carl Crawford in Tampa Bay. We'll have to wait and see.

Oasis may have some jerkish members but to say they aren't a great band is just ridiculous. "Acquiesce" is a jam from another time.

I think I'm going to get a D in Rhetorical Criticism.

Eff that noise. <-- THAT's my rhetorical criticism.

In conversely pleasing news, I got a 96 on my "Politicians Bad, Video Games Good" research paper and a 100 on the presentation of the research from said paper. This little piggy went wee-wee-wee all the way to the BIZ-nank.

Here's the DVDs I'm eyeing to purchase for/before Christmas: -Mallrats (10th Anniversary Edition)
-Little Miss Sunshine (out Dec. 19)
-The Last Kiss (out Dec. 26)
-Good Will Hunting
-Jersey Girl
-Goodfellas
-The Bourne Identity
-The Bourne Supremacy
-Harold and Maude
-Oldboy (Special Edition)
-Schindler's List

Kickapoo.

I got The Punisher game for PS2. It is a tour de force of shooting people. Good way to alleviate stress, I would say. That last statement comes courtesy of a study discussed in my aforementioned English paper that I received a 96 on. Taste the happy.

In related news, the auction I won on eBay to acquire said game also included a Punisher t-shirt -- which I proudly wear in the gym to scare people -- and a Punisher movie poster.

Oh, and the Extended Edition DVD of The Punisher came out this month, too. I got it for $8.50. It's not much different than the original disc but it's pretty fun. It was a Punishing month in the Brown household.

P.S., here's a crazy idea I gurgitated (Can you merely "gurgitate"? Does it have to be REgurgitate? What if I've never gurgitated before, it cannot JUST be "REgurgitated", can it? How can you only ever do something AGAIN? You have to have done it a first time.) in Script class the other day:

THE SUPER PUNISHING SPIDER-BAT X!

The Clerks II DVD is tops. The movie is just so freaking good, it makes me mad because I sit there and think "Jesus, I could never make something this good". And what do I do in those moments? I play The Punisher and SHOOT EVERYONE WHO IS BETTER THAN ME.

The second edition of An Evening with Kevin Smith (Evening Harder) is good but I think I liked the first one more. Chalk it up to the shitty questions from the fans, I suppose, but whatevz. Still a strong purchase.

Scrubs started November 30. We're two episodes in and I never want it to leave again. In this week's installment "My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby", JD revealed that, when he does his soul searching, he sits on a stuffed unicorn he named Justin. Would you like to know more? Here's the dialogue from the two times Justin is mentioned:

Let's split up for an hour and do some soul-searching.
Where you going?
Oh I was just going to walk around. Why, where do you go when you soul-search?
*Fantasy sequence*
[JD recalls a time in his bedroom where he sits on his stuffed unicorn in his onesie pajamas.]
All right, Justin, what should my specialty be? Oncology? Or Radiology?
*End of fantasy sequence*
...I go someplace wonderful.

and

Should I have a baby, too?
Y'know, I'm a little preoccupied right now.
Why don't you ask your unicorn?
Oh, this is way over Justin's head...he's never been in love...not real love, anyway.

I am so lame. Anyway, since my last post, I've seen:

-Casino Royale
-Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
-Let's Go to Prison
-Borat
-Bobby
-Blood Diamond

Anyway, if you're wondering how they fit into my Films of 2006 list, here we go!

These ratings are based on:

Was it good, for what it was supposed to be?
Was it good, just, overall as a movie?
Did I like it?
What kind of replayability does it have/will it have?
Was it indicative of the filmmaker's abilities? (For example, sub-par movies from established/previously good filmmakers are dropped further than sub-par movies from young/first-time filmmakers. I.e., Bryan Singer, Paul Weitz, and Michael Mann are punished more than Danny Leiner or Emilio Estevez)
Did it live up to expectations set in previous installments of a good, recent series? (Applicable to Mi3, X-Men 3, Pirates of the Caribbean, Casino Royale, Clerks; it's not fair to compare Superman Returns to the first set of Superman films.)

[The asterisks denote movies my mom rented or purchased and I watched just to confirm my assumptions regarding their shittiness. She recently bought the DaVinci Code, which I'm interested to keep a running diary while watching.]

45. The Pink Panther*
44. Date Movie
43. Big Momma's House 2*
42. Madea's Family Reunion*
41. The Wild*
40. Final Destination 3
39. Over the Hedge
38. American Dreamz
37. Man of the Year
36. Superman Returns
35. Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest
34. Blood Diamond
33. X-Men: The Last Stand
32. Mission: Impossible III
31. Glory Road
30. Grandma's Boy
29. Miami Vice
28. United 93
27. Snakes on a Plane
26. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
25. Al Franken's God Spoke
24. Let's Go to Prison
23. Bobby
22. Nacho Libre
21. Art School Confidential
20. Invincible
19. The Protector
18. Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
17. Scoop
16. The Break-Up
15. Thank You for Smoking
14. The Great New Wonderful
13. Brick
12. A Scanner Darkly
11. The Illusionist
10. The Last Kiss
9. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
8. Lucky Number Slevin
7. Casino Royale
6. Inside Man
5. The Prestige
4. Clerks II
3. V for Vendetta
2. Little Miss Sunshine
1. The Departed

For the record, I think the top 6 could've fallen in any order. It was MOSTLY personal preference after #7 but they're all top-flight films, in all aspects.

Films that I wanted to see but have not, yet:
-The Science of Sleep
-Babel
-The Last King of Scotland
-The Fountain
-Marie Antoinette
-Half Nelson
-For Your Consideration

And I'm waiting on The Good Shepherd, which I assume will probably be pretty terrific. Although I have trouble believing someone who looks like Angelina Jolie existed before like, the early 1980s, much less the 1950s. People just didn't look like her back then. Whatevz.

Oh! And Zach Braff's next film, Fast Track, comes out December 29. It also has Jason Bateman and Amanda Peet, among others.

I Am a Sad, Strange Man,
Jables

Make Ready to Land Our Troops Beyond the Energy Shield and Deploy the Fleet So That Nothing Gets Off the System.

2006-11-02T12:38:00.000-05:00

Here's my top 4 lamest Halloween costumes.

1) Slutty (insert innocuous profession): I've talked about this before.
2) Pimp: Why? Seriously, why do this?
3) Cat/mouse: With the dumb ears, little painted-on whiskers, tail, and then a one-piece bathing suit. I don't understand.
4) Pajamas: People actually do this.

I saw The Prestige. It was bossa nova. I liked it more than The Illusionist and methinks it was a better film; deeper, more intense, more humanity, three great performances (Bale, Jackman, Caine) as opposed to two (Norton and Giamatti).

I did two logos for Arachman.

I'm painfully aware they're very reminiscent of Spider-Man's various logos...

And Venom/Symbiote Spider-Man's joint...

But that's on purpose, dillweeds.

There are several popular phrases/sayings/jargon used in sports commentary that I absolutely despise. I'm using Tim Duncan as the example just because he was the first person I thought of.

1) Describing players, by name, like objects of which there are many. There are two ways to do this and they're both retarded.

"When you have a Tim Duncan, you're able to do things in the offense..."
"They don't have a true leader -- the Tim Duncans of the world -- who they can depend on..."

There's only one Tim Duncan! I mean there's definitely another person NAMED Tim Duncan but there's only one in the league and only one that you're referring to, yet you refer to him like a bottle of soda. I do not understand this. Why not take the extra .03 seconds and just say "a guy like Tim Duncan" or "a player comparable to Tim Duncan"?

2) Turning a player's name into an adjective to describe that player's performance.

"Tim Duncan really hasn't had a Tim Duncan-type of game yet, this week."
"We're still waiting for Tim Duncan to give us a Tim Duncan performance in this series."

What does this tell us, if we're not avid fans? Does this mean he's overachieving or underachieving? Who and what defines the archetype of what Tim Duncan's ideal game is? Can't you just say "he hasn't played well" or "a (positive adjective) game/performance"?

3) Describing a player's injury without describing the injury, but merely just naming the body part affected, as if that body part -- simply for existing -- is the problem.

"Tim Duncan will not play tonight, he's out with an ankle."

How does this make any sense? It's like they forget to finish the thought...but it's on purpose.

4) Giving us a very vague and generalized diagnosis on a player, following an injury.

"Tim Duncan was injured last night, MRIs were negative. He's day-to-day."

This implies that Tim Duncan and the team doctors will have to determine daily whether or not he's able to perform. But, um...aren't we all day-to-day? Who isn't? Who knows, a week in advance, that they won't run into any traffic or a cold or a strange accident or an emergency? "No, I'll be there on Thursday -- I can guarantee there won't be any traffic." Who knows they will be on-time and performing to their highest capability like, a month in advance? Can you be week-to-week? Hour-to-hour?

5) Informing the audience of what they are actually talking about.

"When you talk about a great player, you talk about Tim Duncan."
"You talk about power forwards who can shoot, pass, and defend and you talk about Tim Duncan."

Fuck you, I'm not talking about anything! And if I was in a conversation pertaining to the topic you just said I would talk about, don't tell me who I should and should not talk about. If I was having a conversation about power forwards who could shoot, pass, and defend, Tim Duncan's name would come up but there's not much debate there, so am I really "talking about" him if I just mention his name once?

6) Everything, apparently, is underrated. (Watch me combine all of them)

"With a Tim Duncan, who has yet to have a Tim Duncan-game in this series because he's been day-to-day with an ankle, you're talking about losing a player who can really make or break your championship chances; you're talking about a guy whose defensive IQ is a huge part of this team -- a part of his game that is very underrated."

Now, many things are underrated. Many things are also overrated. However, just because something isn't on the front of the newspaper or jammed down our throat every 8 seconds, soaked in praise, doesn't mean it's going without credit entirely. Just because you haven't broached the subject before or talked about it at-length doesn't mean it doesn't exist or it was different prior to your decision to talk about it.

7) Some team is "a Team of Destiny".

The San Antonio Spurs appear to be a Team of Destiny.

This is the analysts'/commentators'/fans' way of saying that greater forces are at work, willing a team that, ordinarily, would not be winning into winning. Whether or not this is ever the case is debatable (especially with the prospect of maybe the league fixing a game -- in any sport); for example, the first NFL game held in New Orleans in two years (due to Katrina) had the heavily favored Atlanta Falcons losing badly to the hometown New Orleans Saints. The Saints then went onto a 5-1 record and suddenly they were a Team of Destiny, etc., sparked by the inspiring people of New Orleans to overachieve, etc. In Super Bowl XXXVI (the first one after 9/11) the Patriots -- that's the team with red, white, and blue in their uniforms -- won the championship despite being 14-point underdogs; they were obviously fueled by the American people and whatnot.

However, it seems more and more like someone claiming a team to be a Team of Destiny is a deciphered way of saying "I'm a fucking idiot and I did not expect this team to win this many games/go this far so there must be divine powers being wielded here because I could not be wrong".

I never do that, of course, because I'm a super genius.

We're All Day-to-Day,
Juice

The Last Time I Felt It Was in the Presence of My Old Master.

2006-10-29T20:22:00.001-05:00

So I decided to create a football team using only characters from the Marvel universe, in light of the recent release of Marvel Ultimate Alliance. It is very nerdy in here.

Offensive starters:

Quarterback - Captain America (With that shield, he could protect his blind side from a pass rush.)
Running back [1] - Iron Man (How do you tackle him, when he hits that gap, if he's a wall of metal with a head of steam?)
Running back [2] - Quicksilver (The change-of-pace back, where Iron Man pounds it down your throat, Quicksilver just runs past your whole team.)
Wide receiver [1] - Dead Pool (Fast, tall, and strong. Good chemistry with Cable. He's your #1 deep threat.)
Wide receiver [2] - Cable (His yards-after-the-catch would be astounding. How do you get a grip on someone who can throw you to out of the stadium with his MIND?)
Wide receiver [3] - Silver Surfer (He's only INVINCIBLE. I say that qualifies him to be a slot receiver.)
Tight end - Daredevil (He could block when they needed him but he also can pick up on defensive audibles and switches with his super hearing. Plus, the tight end in 'The Replacements' was deaf, so, I think it's appropriate.)
Center - Beast (The smartest of all the huge guys, he's perfect to read the defense. By the way, there is no explanation required for any of the offensive linemen I've chosen.)
Right tackle - The Hulk
Left tackle - The Thing
Right guard - Juggernaut
Left guard - Colossus

As for defense...

Right tackle - Blob (He's what we call a "run stopper".)
Left tackle - Kingpin (Ditto.)
Defensive end [1] - Venom (Nothing is scarier than the thought of being caught in a pass rush from Venom.)
Defensive end [2] - Carnage (Maybe a Venom + Carnage pass rush is scarier...)
Left outside linebacker - Cyclops (Optic BLAST.)
Right outside linebacker - Thor (Shaboom.)
Middle linebacker - The Punisher (With all his knowledge, he'd be able to read plays.)
Strong safety - Wolverine (Snikt!)
Free safety - Sabretooth (Wolverine, part II.)
Cornerback [1] - Spiderman (Like you could catch a pass when he's covering you.)
Cornerback [2] - Nightcrawler (Um, duh.)

The nickel defensive package would be:

ROLB - Pyro (Pretty self-explanatory.)
MLB - The Human Torch (You run across the middle worrying about being tackled but instead you run into a ten-story column of swirling flames.)
LOLB - Sunfire (See: Pyro.)
SS - Bishop (He lets one of the CB's slow down or stop the receiver and then, out of nowhere, crushes him.)
FS - Nick Fury (He mainly blitzes from the secondary.)
CB [1] - Iceman (He could stop a pass-catcher in his tracks. FREEZE!)
CB [2] - Toad (He could hop over a block and kick you into the East parking lot.)

Special Teams:

Kicker - Gambit (He could put his super juice into 80-yard field goals.)
Punter - Mr. Fantastic (You could hit him and he would still be able to get the kick off. Plus, when someone threatens to run a punt back for a TD, he's suddenly the last guy you have to get by...I don't think so.)
Kickoff returner - Blur (Too fast for you.)
Punt returner - Quicksilver (Again, he's all fast 'n shit.)

Front Office/Staff:

Owner/President/General Manager - Charlies Xavier
Head Coach - Magneto
Offensive Coordinator - Doctor Octopus
Defensive Coordinator - Doctor Doom

By the way, I'm nearly 21 years old and a Junior in college.

What Kind of Life is This?
Justin