Justin: The Beginning

As You Wish.

Another repeat Vader line. Done.

Have you ever stopped to recognize the depth of the cast of Enemy of the State?

• Gene Hackman
• Will Smith
• Jack Black
• Jason Lee
• Seth Green
• Barry Pepper
• Scott Caan
• Jake Busey
• Jamie Kennedy (who is ok in small doses)
• Gabriel Byrne
• Jon Voight
• Tom Sizemore
  
• Lisa Bonet (more of a "That Girl" than an actress widely known by name...but she was on Cosby and especially memorable from High Fidelity)

Granted, they're not all stars but all are solid and bring about a sense of comfort, even if it's a shitty movie. It reminds me a lot of Heat, in its depth.

I was watching Mr. Holland's Opus the other day and realized...this movie has some of the most improbable and unconventionally "the audience is stupid and won't see any problems with this" moments in movie history.

4. Mr. Holland has to teach a black football player how to find/develop a beat and rhythm. A white, 40-year old balding music teacher with glasses.....is teaching a young black football player.....how to find rhythm. Should I say it again?

3. The scene when Mr. Holland comes home from work bummed out because John Lennon just died, then his deaf son asks him "What's the matter?" in sign language, so Mr. Holland tells him, "John Lennon died ... you wouldn't understand." Who would say something like that to their deaf son? You wouldn't understand, you deaf bitch! You can't hear music! Hell, you can't hear anything! That was awful. I don't care if your FATHER dies, to be that much of a bastard to someone -- especially your handicapped son! -- is unforgivable, no matter what mood you're in.

2. Everything that happens with the big play when he has the unspoken sexual tension with the super-cute actress who ended up playing the wife on Yes, Dear. First of all, wouldn't she be dating the star quarterback or star point guard? Really, she goes gaga for her tiny, balding, surly, 50 year-old music teacher? This would happen?

Second, Mr. Holland honestly considered leaving his job, his wife and his son so he could take a bus to New York with Rowena, his new 17-year-old girlfriend? We're supposed to like him after this? I saw this movie several times when I was 10-13 and even in my minute, uneducated brain, I wanted to know why not only was Rowena interested in Mr. Holland, but why Mr. Holland would throw his life away for Rowena?

And third -- this is my favorite -- Mr. Holland starts writing a song that he titles, "Rowena's Theme" (apparently the other choice for a title was "That Girl That I'm Directing in the Play That I Really Want to Bang") and as he's working on it, his wife notices and asks, "who's Rowena?" So he gives some stammering explanation about how Rowena was a Greek Goddess...classic male attempt to save. And right after it's over, he asks his wife, "hey, you comin' to the play? It's this weekend?" Hey, Mr. Holland, you know what they have at plays? Programs with everyone's name from the cast! You didn't think Mrs. Holland was going to notice that the smoking-hot star of the play was named Rowena?! This would've been how I ended his marriage, in the film. What an idiot.

I'm not married and have never had a girlfriend but if I'm lusting after someone else, I would not either: give some explanation that could easily be seen through OR, even if I had made the mistake of giving that foolishly crafted explanation, I would not give the person I'm trying to fool opportunities to find flaws in my explanation! It's like me telling you "no, I don't have a blog..........hey, check out my AIM profile, which has quotes and links and stuff".

1. Mr. Holland gets fired at the end and he's packing up his office, when his son and wife show up to help him move out. And they're walking out of the school when Mr. Holland says, "what's that noise?" and heads over to the auditorium...he opens the door and it's everyone in the school, as well as everyone who ever passed through his life, and they're all there for a "Goodbye Mr. Holland" party. How could they possibly pull that off? He didn't notice the cars or hear anyone? Everyone kept it a secret? We're supposed to believe this? And then, as if this wasn't improbable enough, his old student -- now Governor -- shows up and gives one of the backhanded-complimentary speeches ever, including the classic comment, "he wants to be rich and famous...but he's not rich, and he's definitely not famous" (thanks -- hate you too, bitch), before revealing the band made up of everyone Mr. Holland ever taught. And then the band proceeds to play Mr. Holland's never-finished opus PERFECTLY NOTE-FOR-NOTE, with a sobbing Mr. Holland conducting, and it sounds great even though most of the people hadn't picked up an instrument in 10-20 years.

Here's more: Mr. Holland was fired abruptly! There was like a week of movie-time between his termination and the farewell concert. How, on Earth, could the principal/alumni association/Mrs. Holland get people from conceivably all over the country to come back inside of a week?! It wasn't like he announced his retirement 10 months before the fact so everyone had time to prepare and arrange everything. Funding was cut and he was fired! Done!

Also: how did the people learn the song? Holland never finished the song, much less published copies of it for the world to see! These people with the very last and smallest sliver of their one-time talent managed to, inside of a week, learn a song that they -- nor 99.99999999% of the planet's population -- had ever even heard, much less practiced and played?! I mean even if someone sent you a tape of "Thriller" and said "learn this on the bass by Friday", you wouldn't be absolutely perfect at it, by that time...and you have a lifetime of listening-experience with that song plus the ability to listen to it over and over to get the feeling, rhythm, timing, cadence, etc.

Mr. Holland's Opus was never committed to tape or anything, so, even if you could read sheet music (extremely unlikely unless you turned into a professional musician -- and even then, you don't need that skill), you still would have trouble getting the FEEL of the song and understanding the dynamic and chemistry between all the different sections and instruments...so how on Earth would you learn it? It'd be like trying to assemble an entertainment center without any pictures, labels, demonstrations, or diagrams...just the pieces and the textual instructions. You'd have to perform a miracle to get the job done perfectly.

Further, how did these musician alumni explain this sudden and bizarre trip to their bosses and families? "Hey, I had a music teacher in high school 30 years ago and he's retiring and I know I never mentioned him and I know I haven't ever shown a hint of musical talent or interest since we've been married and I know this is the most suspicious and ridiculous explanation for a spur-of-the-moment trip ever but...I'm going". Also, even if you had a full week -- seven days -- and had no work or family stuff or recreation to worry about, could you possibly pick up a semi-talent you had half of a lifetime ago and reacquire it to a flawless degree AND travel even a reasonably short distance to perform perfectly in sync with other people in the exact same situation as you, in a huge public setting?

So here's my question: What are the odds that this party went off without a hitch, in all its aspects? A million-to-1? Ten million-to-1? Infinity-to-1?

I hate that new high school/college sports Gatorade commercial with the voice-over from Bill Parcells. The reason why I hate it is that he is at the end, standing a tollbooth in a Cowboys windbreaker. Hey, Gatorade..five months ago called and PARCELLS QUIT.

Anyway, I'm mailing the rest of this post in. I'm just listing all my favorite videos from College Humor.

• These truly do contain magic. WHAT THE EFF?!
• This is absolutely a young, Mexican version of me...the tormenting older child would have to be my cousin, circa 1995.
• I watched it over and over for about 10 minutes and it was no less funny the 140th time than it was the first time.
• The last little pause by the door totally makes it worth watching. I might do this before I graduate.
• Um, and why, exactly, is Bob Barker leaving The Price is Right? Could someone please explain this to me, again? Addendum: if I was one of these prospective hosts poised to take over, part of my slow, diabolical plan as the eventual longtime host would be to turn the audience completely into attractive college kids (ultimately leading to an in-shape, all-female, under-50 audience in their underpants).

I had to watch 30 minutes of Desperate Housewives tonight. I will now light myself on fire.

P.S., I understand that we're supposed to suspend disbelief about this show since four women who have all modeled would not live on the same street in middle America -- although I must say, after watching it in HD...umm...75% of them aren't that stunning.

Eva Longoria is the only one who looks really pretty. Teri Hatcher looks like she fell asleep outside for 4 years. Nicolette Sheridan looks like every over-made-up-over-surgeried-used-to-be-trophy-wife at all ritzy white country clubs. I didn't see Marcia Cross but her face always looked, to me, like someone pulled silly putty over their knee, so, I'm not expecting much to have changed.

Anyway, the guys these women are with...umm...why not go all-out and make them at least SOMEWHAT good looking? You have the guy who looks like a clean-cut Luis Guzman and an old guy who looks like Anderson Cooper's father (i.e., a wrinkly, less-attractive Anderson Cooper). Let's be real in our surreality.

Please Put a Bullet in My Head,
Jables

posted by Justin @ 12:51 PM